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Warm Topic Archives: barack obama
Who’ll be Canada’s next Cock Blocker?: Master Debate Director’s Cut
May 2, 2011
By The Serge, TORONTO – U.S. President Barack Obama must have been kicking himself yesterday for his poorly-timed announcement celebrating the capture of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. TV and Internet viewers quickly cut away from Obama’s speech last night to watch previously unreleased highlights of Canaduh’s federal election master debate, held…maybe last week sometime. The master debate heavily factors in to most Canadians decision to elect the tiny country’s next leader, known traditionally by the honorific, “Cock Blocker”.
Posted in Canaduh
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Tagged barack obama, canadian federal election 2011, Canaduh, giles duceppe, jack lauton, michael ignatieff, osama bin laden, star wars, stephen harper, the addams family, the brutal times, the munsters, who'll be canada's next cock blocker?: master debate director's cut
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Obama’s Bin Laden is Dead Speech: The Director’s Cut
By Styles Cradgerock,WASHINGTON – Vital edutainment from U.S. President Barack Obama’s speech last night, confirming the death of Osama bin Laden was accidentally left on the White House cutting room floor, The Brutal Times has learned. The following is a Director’s Cut of the entire speech, with the president’s original 2008 campaign personality faithfully reassembled by fans old enough to remember.
Iraq War Was “an Hoax” New Bush Book Says
November 21, 2010
By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Boy, how the times have changed. Back in 2003, I was just another fresh face with chronic stomach pain trying to land an unpaid job at The Brutal Times when it was just a weekly free box of tissues handed out at my local car was and yet another young guy by the name of George W. Bush was just revving up to land a whopping kick on Middle East henchman Saddam Hussein’s kaboose.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to be Extended to all Branches of Government
November 10, 2010
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON D.C. – Showing a flash of pizazz, U.S. President, the American Barack Obama has ordered that the U.S. military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which requires that service members not ask or disclose their sexual orientation, be implemented in all branches of the U.S. Government as of Christmas Day.
“So, when you, say – let’s say you’re going into a – Department of Motor Vehicles, AND – you want to…renew your driver’s license…AND – you walk up to the counter and you say to the person working there, “Hi, I’m just wondering where I go to get my photo taken.” Well, as of December 25th…2010…you’re not going to be able to ask that question anymore, unless you want to be arrested and… they’re not going to be able to tell you where to get that photo taken…unless they want to get arrested themselves, too,” Obama quipped.
Hillary Clinton Announces 2112 Presidential Run
November 7, 2010
By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Obama’s current jobbie as leader of the free world).
Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents.
“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a chicken falafel.
Girl’s Bladder is Timed to Coworker She Despises
November 4, 2010
By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath number about cocaine your grampa played you when you was about yey high.
Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.
Posted in Exclusive!
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Tagged barack obama, black sabbath, cocaine, cooworkers, girl's bladder is timed to cooworker she despises, iphone, office probs, ray goolens, the brutal times
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Man ‘Looks Forward’ to Pay Day
September 24, 2009
By Business Jesus, BOSTON – President Barack Obama has loosed the hounds of hell on the global economic crisis and so far it’s looking up up up for all the world’s workers and friends of their friends.
The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.
Want more?
Posted in Special Report
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Tagged barack obama, bars, Business Jesus, dating, global economic crisis, money, pay day, ruffled feathers, the brutal times
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Google Alert for Obama: North Korea Trying to Start a Big Fucking War
July 4, 2009
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Dear President-elect Obama/To Whom it May Concern, It’s great you became the president. I’m looking forward visiting your country some day when I get a free time.
By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.
Posted in Japan, Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged barack obama, google alerts, Japan, kim jong-il, north korea, north korea missile, north korea shoots missile over japan, north korean missile, nukes, obama, ohashi jozu, Presidential Daily Brief, the brutal times, war world war II
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My Friend is Sexting Barack Obama, and He Sexts Back!
June 17, 2009
By Kaylie, Special to the Brutal Times, BOSTON – My friend Jessie is sexting Barack Obama – and he sexts her back!!! They met online and now everyone around me is pooping their pants cause the gossip is so good!
Posted in Presidential Daily Brief
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Tagged barack obama, boston, campfires, edgar allan poe, facebook, fluffer, gossip, online, sexting, teens, the brutal times
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North Korea Launches Naughty Rocket
April 5, 2009
By Barry Hussein, PYONGYANG – North Korea got almost no attention from anyone under 5o today when it behaved “very naughtily” and launched an enormous throbbing Taepodong missile rocket thingy into outer space.
“I don’t care about the rocket – it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a juniour college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.
Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.