Who’ll be Canada’s next Cock Blocker?: Master Debate Director’s Cut

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By The Serge, TORONTO – U.S. President Barack Obama must have been kicking himself yesterday for his poorly-timed announcement celebrating the capture of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. TV and Internet viewers quickly cut away from Obama’s speech last night to watch previously unreleased highlights of Canaduh’s federal election master debate, held…maybe last week sometime. The master debate heavily factors in to most Canadians decision to elect the tiny country’s next leader, known traditionally by the honorific, “Cock Blocker”.

In an unprecedented scoop du jour, The Brutal Times has obtained a transcript of the unreleased director’s cut of the master debate, which was shot in an massage parlor on trendy Dundas Street West.

Joined in progress…

MICHEAL IGNATIEFF, leader of the Cerebrals Party of Canaduh ( former prof, too old n sleepy):

And I…I went outside of Canada.

JACK LAYTON, NDP leader (left-wing, pro-eco, no business connections):

That’s…that’s ridiculous – many of us have been outside of Canaduh.

GILLES DUCEPPE’S EYES (GD is leader of ┬áCanaduh’s separatist party. They want the province of Quebec to become an independent country. It would be funny if he won the election, non?):

I haven’t.

STEPHEN HARPER (current Cock Blocker. Mr Harper’s stategy is to say nothing and let the others look nutty by shouting and whining.):

LAYTON:

I have grey hair, but it’s shinier than yours.

IGNATIEFF:

HARPER:

DUCEPPE:

LAYTON:

Mr. Harper…looks like a cross between a Storm Trooper and Jabba the Hut.

IGNATIEFF:

….

HARPER:

….

DUCEPPE:

What?

IGNATIEFF:

It’s a Star Wars reference.

DUCEPPE:

….

IGNATIEFF:

Canadians should get…free school.

HARPER:

DUCEPPE:

LAYTON:

We need to start thinking about the environment, and that means putting solar energy first, and putting panels on every home in Toronto at the cost of homeowners.

HARPER:

Taxes are bad. Mr Layton is bad for Canaduh. I am good. I am good for Canduh.

DUCEPPE:

IGNATIEFF:

HARPER (to himself, picked up on lapel mic):

Just stay calm, stay calm. Just another 30 minutes and it’s yours.

IGNATIEFF:

Let me finish – I’m too old for this. I look like Herman Munster.

DUCEPPE:

What?

LAYTON:

It’s an Addams Family reference.

HARPER:

The Munsters.

LAYTON:

What?

HARPER:

IGNATIEFF:

Canaduh’s not a real country anyway…running it should be easy…I might die in office.

LAYTON: If I may – you’ve seen all this before. The Liberal leader – excuse me – Cerebrals leader, sucks in the master debate and the NDP is given a false boost in the polls by the media as a total set up in order to make NDP voters sit back and stay home and swing voters fearing an NDP victory vote Conservative.

DUCEPPE:

What?

HARPER:

That’s how we win elections.

LAYTON:

What?

HARPER:

IGNATIEFF:

The only chance I’ve got is if someone leaks a scandal aboot Layton getting a massage on Dundas Street.

HARPER:

Understand?!?

 

About the serge

Channeling Pascal (The source of all man's misfortune is his inability to stay in his room) the serge confides, "In my day, we didn't call them love hotels - we called them sex hotels." Begging the question, Vuvuzela avec moi, ce soir?, BT readers get so much pleasure out of his columns they...ought to be punished.
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2 Responses to Who’ll be Canada’s next Cock Blocker?: Master Debate Director’s Cut

  1. trapper bon bon says:

    too many puns and leaning hard on the negativity. why don’t you step aside and make way for our conservative heyday?

  2. la bear says:

    jeez, i’d be piping mad if i read this and i were some people.

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