TSA: From Now On Only Good-looking Passengers Will Have Their Bags Handled

By El Toro, NEWARK – Newark, it sounds like New York, but it’s not. One of a number of busy U.S. hubs where people are petted down, Newark boasts long line-ups and stinky bathrooms.

Don’t even think about ordering a sub to keep your jaws busy while you’re killing time waiting for your flight to be rescheduled – those subs’ve been sitting there since Biblical figure Solomon last brushed his Biblical teeth, which is to say, awhile.

But good news is on the horizon for the weary airline traveler.

From now on, only good-looking passengers will have their bags handled.

Since the war on terror was officially declared over last week, the TSA (Transit Security Authority) announced via a magic marker and a white board in the Girl’s bathroom, that from now on only good-looking passengers will have their balls or vuvuzelas groped or probed.

“Only good-looking passengers will have their balls or vuvuzelas groped or probed,” ejaculated Tiny Blast, 30, a session musician who has worked with Will.i.am and snuck into the Girl’s bathroom “’cause I couldn’t hold it any longer”.

“I read it on the white board in there,” he went on. “Why there have a white board in there, I have no idea,” he kept talking.

The policy, or idea, is pure genius, according to pert Swedish airline industry insider Idelfa Igliss, 22.

“It’s pure genius – it’s like Facebook, Twitter, finding a dime bag in an old running shoe,” she said, warming to a theme.

But why, guy?

“Because it covers all the bases – if you’re good-looking, you say to yourself in the mirror, “Oh my God, I’m so good-looking – they picked me to ram their fingers up my vuvuzela – and if you’re a minger, and they pick you to cram their fingers up your vuvuzela, then you write in your Ugly Betty day planner, “Dear God, it’s me, minger. Today they picked me at the TSA to ram their fingers up my vuvu…I must be…good-looking!?!”

Long answer.

“Well, I’m new at this public-speaking sort of thing. Give me a break, will you?”

But why do you say good-looking passengers will “have their bags handled”?

“I don’t. That’s in the headline.”

OK, but what does it mean?

“It’s a euphemism for something.”

A what?

“A euphemism.”

It’s for young people?

“No, no, no – look, don’t you read?”

No.

“It means the good-looking passengers will have their balls handled – their vuvuzelas handled – by expert and excellent TSA staff. According to procedure, of course.”

Do you want to handle my bags?

“How much have you got on you?”

Only, like $20 Canadian.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to check them in.”

Understand?!?