Author Archives: El Toro

About El Toro

Born angry, shitdisturber El Toro is an explicit indictment of something. Eschewing bathroom breaks, Toro sends a signal to hisself by reading strangers' email. Ringleader of BT's notorious bling ring, ET has learned the hard way you don't bring sand to the beach. That's whut he says anyway.

For Lefties, the Right Hand is ‘The Stranger’

December 17, 2011
barack-obama-left-hand-gesture

By El Toro, with DJ Salinger contributing, IOWA – Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

TSA: From Now On Only Good-looking Passengers Will Have Their Bags Handled

May 11, 2011
HILTON

By El Toro, NEWARK – Newark, it sounds like New York, but it’s not. One of a number of busy U.S. hubs where people are petted down, Newark boasts long line-ups and stinky bathrooms.

Posted in Featured Brutality

500-year-old Book is Really Boring

April 25, 2011
500-year-old book

By El Toro, PITTSBURGH – A 500-year-old book somebody found here the other day is really boring sources are telling the Brutal Times this morning.

“I didn’t even open the book – just looking at it made me drool all over myself,”

Posted in Highlighted Brutality

Old People Live Longer

August 26, 2009
older-people-the-web1

By El Toro, WASHINGTON – As Barack Obama America’s first president gears up to give all Americans universal health care, folks are leaning back in their chairs and on the couch to consider the results of a prestigious 60 year study that proves what most of us already knew:

Old people live longer.

“Old people, live longer than young people, ” said Tim Barnes, an unpaid intern at MyGoodies, a multi-billi0n-gazillion dollar tentacles around the world.

Posted in Delicious Toppings

Dark Knight Angered By Presidential ‘Snub’

January 8, 2009

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality, Hollywood Pap, Presidential Daily Brief

U.S. Presidential Debate Spoilers

September 23, 2008

By El Toro, USA AMERICA – Mr Obama, who is running to be the first black US president, will wear a blue tie. Mr McCain, who is running to be the oldest white US president, will wear a red tie. [...]

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

Daemon Mailer Tazed At Canadian Airport

January 5, 2008

By El Toro, TORONTO – Flamboyant Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer was rushed to Toronto’s Grace Hospital early this morning after being repeatedly tazed in front of shocked onlookers at Pearson International Airport. Mailer, who witnesses said appeared “between 30 and [...]

Posted in Canaduh, Latest Brutality