U.S. Presidential Debate Spoilers

By El Toro, USA AMERICA – Mr Obama, who is running to be the first black US president, will wear a blue tie.

Mr McCain, who is running to be the oldest white US president, will wear a red tie.

Perhaps as a way of toying with his campaign’s critics, Mr Obama will appear as a 47-year-old black man, which is expected by analysts to undercut McCain’s chances of becoming the first black US president.

“Obama is not taking any chances this time around,” says Charlie McNutty, long-time pollster for NBC-MyGoodies. “A lot of people are going to say, ‘sure, he’s being bold by showing up as a younger black man at the debates, but this is politics and you do what you have to do to win'” he added.

Likewise, reports this week have McCain refraining from plucking grey hairs until “after the debates”, in order to look more older, and powdering his face with cocaine in an effort to look “well, let’s face it – whiter,” according to Gerry Weeks, my next-door-neighbor.

Critics of such antics on behalf of the candidates would do well to remember that Hillary “Hot Rodham” Clinton refrained from similar in-your-face reminders aimed at “rubbing her womanness in people’s faces” at her own peril.

“She was running to become the first US woman president and Mr Obama was losing, but a lot of folks say her that she lost directly as a result of not rubbing her womanness in people’s faces,” said Gerry Weeks, my next-door-neighbor, over drinks.

Team Clinton staffers all agreed with this assessment after a few drinks.

“People…are dumb,” said Mandy Campo, who supported Clinton in the tight fight with Mr Obama. “Some people…think he’s a woman.”

To make sure no such cock ups occur at the debates Obama and McCain campaign officials are waxing and coating the candidates to seal them from spoilage due to inclement weather or hurled fruits.

The key is “keep it simple” agree McCain spokesman Harleck Gart and Obama spokesperson Sheena Kelog. “If people want an old white guy president, we want them to vote McCain,” said Gart. Perhaps unsurprisingly Ms Kelog said that Mr Obama was “running to be the president for everybody,” but indeed had decided to debate Mr McCain “without undergoing plastic surgery or taking hallucinegenic drugs to alter his usual physical or mental state”.

Make sense?

About El Toro

Born angry, shitdisturber El Toro is an explicit indictment of something. Eschewing bathroom breaks, Toro sends a signal to hisself by reading strangers' email. Ringleader of BT's notorious bling ring, ET has learned the hard way you don't bring sand to the beach. That's whut he says anyway.
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One Response to U.S. Presidential Debate Spoilers

  1. shiraz mountbatten says:

    dear mr ralph, i respectfully must disagree with your opinion. mr ralph nader is unmarried and as such therefore cannot be allowed to stand.