Mom Hates it When Kids Get Crumbs on the Table

By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Mom hates it when kids get crumbs on the table.

Know why?

Mom’s had a long hard day and when she gets home she doesn’t need the aggravation.

“I haaaaate it when they (the kids) get crumbs on the table,” confessed mom Caroline Nix, 40. “So when they do, I make a note of it? On my iPad 2? And that transgression comes back to haunt them.”

What size crumbs we talkin’ bout?

“Aw, Jeez, I found a crumb that was larger than Donald Trump’s head the other day.”


“I found a crumb that was the size of-”

How ’bout recycling crumbs?

“You mean, like feeding them…to the dog or something?”

Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.

“Well, that’s a very logical thing to say, but frankly, when I feel my anger rising, I’m not in a very logical feeling mood.”

You feel a strain trying to stay cool all the time.


You’re tired of always having to keep a lid on it.


You’re tired of always bein’ told what to do.


You’re boxed in.


You can’t move.


You can’t breath.


You can’t eat.


You can’t-


You can’t-


You can’t-


You can’t-


So, what you’ve got is basically an impossible situation, with absolutely no way out, that will almost absolutely drag on forever.

“But that’s what I like about it.”


“That’s exactly what I like about about it.”

You’ve lost me.

“That’s exactly what I like about it – that it defies solution.”

OK, I feel like you’re wasting my and my readers’ time.

“Reader – the time of your reader, you mean.”

Now I feel like you’re trying to pick a fight.

“What a funny-lookin’ face you got.”

I feel burned, ripped-off, used, consumed, deleted, betrayed, ejected.

“But that’s what I like about it.”

Dumped on, belittled, triviafied.

“Is that…a crumb…on the table?”

These…these crumb things…aren’t the real point, are they? They’re…symptoms of a larger problem.

“Symptoms of a larger problem…”

It’s…it’s not the…crumbs you hate…it’s your kids.

“Well…yes! I mean…the whole thing is basically a bummer.”

Kids are a bummer?

“Yes! Yes! They’re a bummer, all right? A big fat bummer, if you ask me.”

It’s not the crumbs that’s setting you off, it’s the crumbmakers.

“The crumb bums! Yes! the crumb bums!”

So, then you regret adopting them?

“Oh…no, if I had to do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Because you thrive on the fact that it drives you completely insane.

“You pick up quick, don’tcha?”

Why are you laughing?!?



About Grande Chef Otto

GCO is a third generation Grade AAA Grande Chef, whom has served France with distinction since first garnering the honor in 1963.The title of "Grande Chef" is bestowed by the prestigious Paris L'Ecole du Piscine Noir uponst those rare experts in the culinary arts willing to take unprecedented risks in the pursuit of achieving gastronomic perfection. He is also the proud owner of the award-winning bistros Ssh..Kebab, and Pasta La Vista.
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4 Responses to Mom Hates it When Kids Get Crumbs on the Table

  1. fiona jawne says:

    It’s nice to see how you always make the victim out to be a victim.

  2. ben folds says:

    yeah, but u know what i hate even more? when mom gets on the table!

  3. lots and lots says:

    wheres the insight? all day long and i gotta come home to this?

  4. hazel pitt says:

    i’m a stay at home mom, with 6 kids. if you give 6 subs to 6 kids 6 times a day (if you’re covering all the meal n snacktimes) you’re going to get a golden mean of 666 crumbs on the table per kid. it’s a bit much, right? let’s have action on this prob right away!