Author Archives: The Brutal Times

About The Brutal Times

A bit of a toff, really, Admin inhaled the classics early. His ears are ringing and he plans...to answer them.

In Spacewalk Astronauts Repair Finnish Space Station

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By Helder Goff, Special to the Brutal Times, SPACE – Space, the final frontier. No one was supposed to go there, but they did. Probably that’s why, increasingly, God has been busting up their space ships.
“Actually, we don’t know if it’s God that’s been doing it, or some other kids or something,” claimed Gus VanderBilt, 11, designer of Finland’s famed Zolftschatz, which is Ikean for “Zolftschatz.”

Posted in Exclusive!

Lip Synching Keeps Lips Looking Young and Alive

beautiful-lips

By Petit Rowley, Special to The Brutal Times, DETROIT – “Lip synching keeps lips looking young and alive,” tweeted town tween Tariq Bozzio, 29 and a half, Tuesday.

Posted in Latest Brutality

I Got Probs

I got Probs

By Hessy Marin, Special to The Brutal Times, BOSTON- I got probs. Man, let me tell you! Things were goin’ pretty swell for a while there – new boy, new apartment – even a new car…

Then, I won the lottery.

Posted in Exclusive!, Ordinary People

Obama Romney Presidential Debate: The Director’s Cut

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PRESIDENT OBAMA: Jim, can they – can the American people hear us right now?
MR. LEHRER: What is the difference?
MR. ROMNEY: Well —
MR. LEHRER: Let’s just say they can see your arms flapping around but they have no idea what you’re saying.

Posted in Latest Brutality

My Feet Hurt

feet-hurt-mf

By Roger Talock, Special to The Brutal Times, MILWAUKEE – My feet hurt.
Know why?
From walkin’ ’round all the time!
Yeah, no, and what’s more is you can’t even bring it up no more.
Feet are killin’ you?
That’s too bad, my boy.
No one wants to give my feet story the time of day.

Until today.

Posted in Latest Brutality

Morning Person Pisses Everyone Off

girl-smile

By Owen Richardson, Special to The Brutal Times, KANSAS – Morning people. Who makes them? God, probably. But as time goes on, can we really be so sure? When we cross paths with a morning person after a long night of self-abuse and injurious introspection are we really so well-advised to defer to that person, saying things like, “Uh-huh,” and “Yes, I was listening,” and “Top of the day to you, too, Squire.”?

Posted in Ordinary People

I’ve Gone From NWA to NPR

nwa

By Drew Nerts, TOKYO – Being abroad warps a person. It changes you in ways your parents or brothers or sisters could never’ve imagined. Since I came to Japan from my native Cincinnati, I’ve changed so much I don’t even know which top hat I wear really defines me.

I’ve come to own and love a lot of top hats.

But anyway, the big thing I noticed over breaky this morning was how I’ve gone from NWA to NPR.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms

I’m Too Tired to Cook

By Karl Hame III, Special to The Brutal Times – When I get home from life on the road I don’ t want to talk to nobody and I just keep wishin’ I was back in ‘Nam.

Wait – no, that’s not it at all.

I’m a kids mom, and when I get home from school I’m too tired to cook.

Posted in Ordinary People

My Pony Tail is Killing Me

REAL MADRID'S BECKHAM LOOKS ON AT NEWS CONFERENCE IN HONG KONG

By Zack Peters, Special To The Brutal Times – As a long-haired white man I face a lot of discrimination, both in the workplace and from folks on the bus and in my own home.

Posted in Ordinary People

My Sister’s Too Pushy

Gaslit

Special to the Brutal Times, By Pam Haley – My sister’s too pushy. Boy, when she wants something, she’s the first one to tell ya. Like the other day, she calls me up on my mobular telephone and without even asking me how my day’s going or asking me about my probs, she’s asking if I can come over and feed her kid and talk to her husband about his impotence again.

Posted in Latest Brutality