By Helder Goff, Special to the Brutal Times, SPACE – Space, the final frontier. No one was supposed to go there, but they did. Probably that’s why, increasingly, God has been busting up their space ships.
“Actually, we don’t know if it’s God that’s been doing it, or some other kids or something,” claimed Gus VanderBilt, 11, designer of Finland’s famed Zolftschatz, which is Ikean for “Zolftschatz.”
“Actually ‘Zolftschatz’ means ‘chair’ and ‘space’ or ‘space chair’ and I’m…not 11, I’m 32.”
Really. What year they send you up to do them repairs up there?
“To the…spacestation?”
To the space station, yeah.
“It’s actually one word – spacestation, if you look it up.”
Not these days it isn’t. What year you go up?
“Well…I…we…that would’ve been…”
To do the spacewalk – to repair the Finnish space station.
“Oh yes, no, I follow you…that would’ve been 5 years ago…1979.”
Dude.
“…”
Oh dude.
“Yes?”
Do you know about the Internet?
“Ethernet?”
Internet. Do you know about it? Miley Cyrus and all that?
“Oh…yes…sure, I know about it.”
Really.
“Uh-huh.”
Really.
“Yeah…it’s great.”
It’s great.
“Yeah.”
“What time is it on?”
“…”
“What time is it on?”
“What?”
Dude. OK, listen, you get them repairs all done up there OK?
“Oh sure.”
Oh sure?
“Well…Joe died.”
Joe died?
“It was a slip and fall.”
A slip and fall.
“Yeah…he slipped…”
And fell.
“Exactly.”
Where’d he fall?
“Into a black hole.”
Into…you think this is funny?
“No. Joe was my friend.”
Oh. I’m sorry for your loss.
“It’s no big thing.”
OK.
“We used to play Crazy Eights together…”
You and Joe?
“Yeah. And the whole team.”
The whole team?
“Yeah. There were eight of us when we went up.”
To do the- wait. You mean there were eight crew members on the IKEA ship that went up-
“To do the repairs, yeah.”
This is getting to be like a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
“…”
So how many left of you now?
“Just meself.”
Just…yeself?
“Yeah.”
I thought you were from Finland. Where’d you pick up that British accent?
“Oh, I’m not actually from Finland. But I was made there.”
Made there.
“Yes, mate. In Helsinki.”
I know where Helsinki is.
“…”
Let me ask you this directly. Did you kill the other crew members?
“Yes.”
Did you kill them because you are a robot?
“Partially, yes. I guess you could say that was part of the reason.”
And you…don’t really know what the Internet is, do you? That was a lie when you answered my question.
“I’m afraid to say that it was, sir. Yes, come to think of it, looking back on it now, I might have answered it differently.”
And what are your plans now?
“Now that my mission is over?”
And you’re back on Earth, yes.
“I’m going to Disneyland.”
Make sense?
