By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh, the corner of the globe. A place where everyone knows your name. A small town. A place where nine out of ten scientists are saying what we’ve all known all along.
The Earth is too fat.
“The Earth is too fat,” ejaculated Sincere Jones, 90, a scientist at Pittsburgh Science Village. “And I should know – I`ve been watching it awhile,” she went on.
Yes, and because of that, the Earth seems to be in dire straits, sinking at a rate so fast that it may hit rock bottom of the solar system within two years.
“If the earth doesn’t shed some kilos soon, we’d all be best to make tracks soon for the moon,” piped space pioneer Lil’ Jimmy.
Lil` Jimmy, we’re not done yet talking to Sincere Jones, the lady above.
“You wanna buy my hip-hop mix tape?”
Earth needs to shed maybe Greenland, Australia, South America and Canada if it wants to get started on those millennium programs people was talking about back in 2000-2001.
Yet some say the chances of doing exactly that are exactly unlikely.
“Actually, mate, I’d say they’re right likely,” chimed Sincere Jones, waking and putting on a surprisingly good Cockney accent.
But then she died.
Moving along, is it bad or good that the Earth dies?
“Hmm, I’d say if we want to live in accord with nature we’d best just let it go,” powered Hoff Glitter, 20, an equities arranger at Billy’s Bank.
Oh, do you like nature?
“I’ve learned to respect it after what happened.”
Oh, that’s interesting.
“Yes, it was terrible what happened.”
“I’ve become a better person after what happened in the canoe.”
Oh that’s good.
The Earth is a beautiful place.