By Marshall Stack, TORONTO-
The Canadian spring is now nearing lateness, and all about is green with life. Squirrels are screaming in the trees as raccoons shuffle earthward to defecate.
Life is chocolate with joy and driving chocolate cars and wearing chocolate underpants. Torontonians are alive, and moving about in a post-hibernational frenzy in the wake of one of the worst winters this metropole has seen in years.
Everywhere folks are walking their small shaggy pets and washing their fine livery sedans in the bright Northern sunshine in preparation for various fantastic seasonal festivals that accompany this time of year.
The permafrost has softened to a degree that good Canadians of every stripe may now go about their doings in a timely and safe manner without risk of slipping or frostbite.
This spring, however, accompanying the usual sounds of the smack of leather on trout or the thumping of the monkey tub, are the sounds of gunshots.
A sad fact: there are many, many guns in the City of Toronto.
“I got shot this morning actually,” offered Maringue Beauvair, 34 of Toronto. “Hurts like a b****, but I’ll probably catch another before dinner. That’s just what this town is like now. You either live with it or move to the ‘burbs, and frankly, I’d rather get shot.”
“Yeah, its bad. And sad,” observed Lug Gluckman, 60, of Torontotownproper. “I’m a retired gent and if I get shot one more time, I could be declared a mineral and lose my pension!”
This formerly peaceful city of humpty million thousand has recently seen its tepid murder rate spike from a Disneyesque two percent to a headline-grabbing one hundred percent.
These facts would seem erroneous upon first viewing, but exhaustive follow-up and much bleeding leads The Brutal Times to a shocking denoument: everyone in Toronto is being killed. And fast.
“Oh yeah, we’re finished,” nodded Chief of Police Lance Chiltbean, 51. “At this rate the city will be empty by Labour Day. I’ve been shot sixty six times this month alone – once in a hospital. My wife got ventilated at her church group but luckily she was able to return fire, so peace was subsequent. But yeah, were pretty much f*****.”
Toronto mayor Clapton Bot took a more positive spin on the situation: “I like guns and firing them, so for me it’s really very exciting. I’ve shot five people since breakfast and I’ve got an entire box of shells for the long commute back to the cottage.”
Indeed, these formerly sleepy city arteries are now clogged with the dead who are in turn clogged, with bullets. But, why so quickly? What sparked all this gunplay in a city that was a different place just one year ago?
“Basically, it’s because the Leafs* are bums!” burped local storyteller Baskin Robbins, 76, of Greater Toronto. (* is a reference to the Canadian ice hockey sport team the Toronto Maple Leafs, who haven’t won a championship in nearly seven hundred years.) “Everytime I see those dicks lose another game I just wanna f***** kill some f***er. So lately I been doin’ just that, so don’t piss me off like that dead kid did this mornin’.”
Whatever the direct cause, socioeconomics would seem to play a fascinating role in what appears to be for Toronto, a reality sandwich with a side of hot bullets.
“Aptly put,” commented Frank Overly, 48, of Pickering. “I really like the way you just said that, because that’s really the size of it, you know. It’s really, really true I must say. You really hit the nail there. Truth all the way.”
But even as such illuminating dialogue is being born, so many folks in what Toronto rapper s call the “T Dot” are being made to die. Perhaps if there is a silver lining to be found during these troubling times, it is that now, at last, there is more parking in the downtown area than there has ever been before.
Which is good, because as I type this on my *Blackberry I am also driving myself to the hospital. (*represents a type of Canadian coal-powered business machine.)