Cheese: Legal Tender in Canada by 2014

By Marshall Stack, CANADA (Thornloe) -In the normally tepid hamlet of Thornloe, Ontario, there is an air brewing in the air. There is a buzz around the lone traffic light and the door of the convenience store is being opened and summarily closed far more often than usual. Why the sturm und drang?

Thornloe is widely known for its cheese factory which, up until recently was in danger of closing, thanks to its parent company BB FunCorp deeming it irrelevant.

Now, with the recent news that the Banque du Canada is preparing to recognize cheese and other select dairy products as hard currency, the factory is unable to keep up with the demand. Many of the one-hundred local residents are making repeat trips to purchase the hard orange rounds of cheddar that soon may be more valuable than the paper they were bought with.

Plant manager Minnie Cheechoo is philosophical; “It’s mental. I don’t get it at all. It’s f***ed is what it is.”

“I think it’s great!” chimed Chantal Therese, a local mother of two and Thornloe’s only french hornist. “I love cheese and I love to spend, so, there you go!”

The practice of using cheese as money seems to have sprung from the Canadian North. In the 1980`s, as northern economically ghettoized locals ran out of cash, they resorted to foodstuffs to barter for what they needed. One of these foodstuffs, was, cheese.

Filtering south now, cheese has edged out all other items in the pantry to emerge as the dominant food-money of a country caught in the crosshairs of a crossroads turning point. Experts at the prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies say that at present rates of growth, cheese could be the most widely used legal tender substance in Canada in just three short years.

The residents of Thornloe are well aware of this fact.

“I’ve got brie, gouda, camembert and now lots and lots of cheddar! It stinks and my husband’s allergic! “shrieked music teacher Betty Mason. “Next I’m out for goat cheese!”

In terms of value, it looks like chevre or goat cheese may lead the pack with brie and soft cheeses coming in a close second. Cheddar, havarti, fontina and mozzarella fill out the bottom rung of popular investment cheeses, but those in the know continue to warn that speculation is pointless.

“Until the powers that be assign specific value to these delicious treats,” cautioned veteran cheese-watcher Rabeezio Rabeezio, “perhaps it’s best they only serve atop a cracker or a patty of Angus beef.”

Although Mr Rabeezio’s landmark tome on the fallout of Sweden’s ill-fated flirtation with a cheese-based economy in the 1980’s (“I Am The Cheese, And You Are The Sauce”, Loyola University Press, 1990) has been snatched up by Thornloeites wishing to bone-up on their knowledge of fromage, not everyone is swallowing what it has to say.

“Mr Rabeezio is a foreigner, writing about his native Sweden. For Canadians to apply what he was talking about, now, in a post-9/11 world, is insane,” assured Thornloe Treasurer Norman White. “Cheese is coming,” he said. “We’d all do best to lean back and accept it.”

About Marshall Stack

Failing to heed his own warnings, specialist in moral turpitude Marshall Stack has hit a roadblock. Yes, gang, just like you and me, he's the opposite of delicious. According to passersby, Stack possesses that rare commodity of being able not only to control his own weight, but also that of others. We're so proud of him for not breaking anything.
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15 Responses to Cheese: Legal Tender in Canada by 2014

  1. notabegailteacher says:

    yeah but will it be on par with American cheese?

  2. billy says:

    when my mom makes a grill cheese sandwich i’m rarin to go! if cheese money comes to canada i’m lovin’ it! – i’m billy.

  3. minako says:

    i have never been to Canaduh. it looks like very cold! my friend hisako made canadian boyfriend but im wanting american one – from nyc!!!

  4. Dear Sirs,
    Sound the Alarm!
    I have grave concerns around the cheese based economy.
    Certain Cheeses are deeply rooted in insolence ( some of the Quebec raw cheeses like to raise a funk):Some irrassable:Some intractable. How to control greed and hoarding creating appparent need. We will need serious branding gentlemen. Pending Binding arbitration, How to Quantify? Devil in Detatils etc. V. concerned. Please advise.
    M. Matthews

  5. Dear Sirs,
    I was so utterly steamed when responding to article on said Cheese based economy that urgency prevailed in my communication to yourselves, and in retrospect I couldn’t help but notice, that I could use some serious commas. Please feel free to apply.

  6. nancy glassman says:

    how come you get to have your name in blue? it isn’t fair to other society members.

  7. minako says:

    i dont like chese much. but i want to try blue cheese.oishii!

  8. elton says:

    hey minako – i got a whole lot o blue cheese in my apato yo!

  9. steinberg says:

    I think this Matthews woman may be onto something. Summarily she must be arrested. And shot.

  10. john kerry says:

    let me say that i find it quite uplifting that young people, such as yourselves are staying up late at night and utilizing this Internet machine. when i was your age i never ventured out of my bed on a cold windy night. and certainly not just for the purpose of contacting a dear friend. what i think mr stienberg needs to consider however, is that he could just taze that woman. The Canadians have done great things with the tazer, and I hope we can make greater use of it in the future that lies ahead.

  11. Dear sirs,
    With respect to Mr. Kerry’s remarks pertaining to Tazers. Don’t get me started on Tazers;the so called non deadly force. This is quite deadly as we have seen recently demonstrated by the Vancouver airport thug police. How the devil can these tazers be deemed a non deadly force when in fact they can and do kill.
    There appears to be some subtlety that I surely am missing.
    Please be so kind as to explain how a person can be killed while waiting at the airport for his family member to pick him up. Further How large is this immigration holding area that neither staff nor family member could spot that he was waiting for over 10 hours? It’s a fine example of U.S Patriot Act influenced overwrought behaviour, and an utterly reprehensible incident if you ask me.
    What are your considered opinions Sirs?
    Ms. M.:Not draged out and shot yet, Matthews

  12. Dear Sirs.
    One again I feel the need to air grievance in your forum.
    So agitated was I in my dyspnoeic ire, requiring immediate response to Mr. Kerry: that it appears, that I have once again overlooked proper punctuation. I am quite beside myself with disgraceful remorse. Should you feel my submission worthy please feel free to punctuate; at will.

    Submissively yours,
    Ms. M. Matthews

  13. Dear Sirs.
    Once again I feel the need to air grievance in your forum.
    So agitated was I in my dyspnoeic ire, requiring immediate response to Mr. Kerry: that it appears, that indeed again, proper punctuation regrettably, has been overlooked. I am quite beside myself with disgraceful remorse. Should you feel my submission worthy please feel free to punctuate; at will.

    Urgently yours,
    Ms. M. Matthews

  14. prince says:

    the tazers are needed to stun the giraffes.

  15. Martine Matthews says:

    Mungo send me your email when you have time.MM

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