By Styles Cradgerock, GUAM – Overshadowing Japan’s recent magnitude 9.0 earthquake and the U.S. Libyan humanitarian intervention, Canaduh’s 2011 federal election racheted up this morning when Billy, my neighbor and confidante, passed on something he had heard from someone someplace.
Michael Ignatieff was born in Guam.
“Michael Ignatieff, 80, head honcho of the Cerebrals Party of Canaduh, was born in Guam, and as such, therefore, and so on, is not eligible, I think, to run for Prime Minister of Canaduh in this exciting federal election,” Billy told me, warming to his theme.
Where is Guam?
“Guam is a part of America U.S.A., and as such, is a popular vacation spot for persons too cheap to go to Hawaii. It’s next door to Hawaii.”
Will Mr. Ignatieff go back there now that he can’t be Canadian P.M.?
“Probably. The food is better than Canaduh, and, let’s face it, folks are more good-looking.”
In Guam?
“What?”
Folks are more good-looking in Guam?
“That’s right.”
Old folks or young folks?
“All folks, I guess.”
Are the Cerebrals gonna run someone else now ’cause of this scandal?
“No. They’re gonna give up.”
Even more damning, a person at a hospital in Guam attests that Ignatieff’s certificate of live birth is written in invisible ink.
“He may be a lot older than 80,” she said, on the condition that she not be named in this article as she may not not exist. “He could be like…145.”
untrue. i went to guam. i didn’t see any ignatieff there. how dare you?