Author Archives: Styles Cradgerock

About Styles Cradgerock

Closely following the rules of Pythagorus - to abstain from beans, not to pick up what was fallen, not to eat the heart, and refusing to look in a mirror after midnite, Cradgerock gets all up in the grills of all the world's leaders, bringing more than just his reputation as the king of folksy garbage to the table...bringing...er...Mr. Cradgerock also wrote the bestselling eBook, My Mind is a Battlefield, 2010, which will be made into a t-shirt as sooner than you can say Duran Duran.

Football Fans Call For More ESPN Gaffes

December 8, 2011
college-football-fans

By Styles Cradgerock, ATLANTA – Football. More than just passing a ball around. But is it, really? Nonetheless a whole lotta people love this great American pastime.com. Yet more and more, more of them (the lovers) are calling for football [...]

Posted in Exclusive!

Why Try Harder?: 2012 Republican Presidential Master Debate 8 Spoilers

September 25, 2011
Iowa-Republican-debate-007

By Styles Cradgerock,Florida, ORLANDO- Who’d want to go and sit through another Republican 2012 Presidential Master Debate? But with The Serge off sick and Barry Husein confined to his room I drew the short straw and jetted off from Tokyo to sunny Orlando, Florida to sleep through most of it, the 7th Republican Master Debate in as many weeks.

Posted in Exclusive!

2012 Republican Presidential Master Debate Director’s Cut

September 12, 2011
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The following is a Director’s Cut of the 2012 Republican presidential debate on Sept. 7, 2011, in Simi Valley, Calif., as corrected by The Brutal Times.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

Ratko Mladic Changing His Name to Rick?

June 9, 2011
Martin Meissner, Pool)

By Styles Cradgerock, THE HAGUE – The Hague’s newest catch, accused war criminal and Serbian general Ratko Mladic shocked followers on Twitter when he tweeted today:

“I’m thinking of changing my name…to Rick or…maybe Slobodan.”

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

Obama’s Bin Laden is Dead Speech: The Director’s Cut

May 2, 2011
obama-2-bin-laden-speech

By Styles Cradgerock,WASHINGTON – Vital edutainment from U.S. President Barack Obama’s speech last night, confirming the death of Osama bin Laden was accidentally left on the White House cutting room floor, The Brutal Times has learned. The following is a Director’s Cut of the entire speech, with the president’s original 2008 campaign personality faithfully reassembled by fans old enough to remember.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief

Exclusive: Michael Ignatieff Was Born in Guam

April 19, 2011
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By Styles Cradgerock, GUAM – Overshadowing Japan’s recent magnitude 9.0 earthquake and the U.S. Libyan humanitarian intervention, Canaduh’s 2011 federal election racheted up this morning when Billy, my neighbor and confidante, passed on something he had heard from someone.

Michael Ignatieff was born in Guam.

Posted in Canaduh

Iraq War Was “an Hoax” New Bush Book Says

November 21, 2010
Iraq war was 'An Hoax'

By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Boy, how the times have changed. Back in 2003, I was just another fresh face with chronic stomach pain trying to land an unpaid job at The Brutal Times when it was just a weekly free box of tissues handed out at my local car was and yet another young guy by the name of George W. Bush was just revving up to land a whopping kick on Middle East henchman Saddam Hussein’s kaboose.

Posted in Latest Brutality, Presidential Daily Brief

Hillary Clinton Announces 2112 Presidential Run

November 7, 2010
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By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Obama’s current jobbie as leader of the free world).

Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents.

“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a chicken falafel.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms

Hold the Lettuce: Afghan War Spoilers!

July 26, 2010
afghan-war

By Styles Cradgerock, YOUR MOMMA – Yes, thundercat! Weekend war watchers all over the world (Florida?) are pee-oh’d this morning to find that WikiLeaks has leaked a whole slewload of spoilers aspoiling how the bumpin’ Afghan intervention is gonna end

Posted in Latest Brutality

Jan Brewer is Dehydrated

June 19, 2010
jan

By Styles Cradegerock, WASHINGTON – U.S. President, the American Barack Obama, sat down with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently and noticed alarming signs of dyhydration in her face.

“Evian?” he quipped.

“She needs to stay out of the sun, get a big floppy hat and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize,” he went on.

Obama said he understood the governor’s dehydration problem as he “personally struggled with dehydration myself” as a child.

“I..didn’t..get enough water,” he kept talking.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief