Ratko Mladic Changing His Name to Rick?

Martin Meissner, Pool)

By Styles Cradgerock, THE HAGUE – The Hague’s newest catch, accused war criminal and Serbian general Ratko Mladic shocked followers on Twitter when he tweeted today:

“I’m thinking of changing my name…to Rick or…maybe Slobodan.”

Ratko has long complained in felt marker that folks with sour grapes have often resorted to making fun of his name. Today marks the first time he took to Twitter – oh God why do we have to keep inserting the names of Twitter and Facebook into every article? It’s the biggest source of unpaid promotion ever-ever, don’t you think?- and many were surprised at the former great dictator’s savvy use of social networking technology.

“I didn’t expect accused war criminals could use social networking technology like me,” tweeted social networking user Leon Heath, 19, a hedge fund manager at Moody’s.

“So I friended him,” he went on.

One reason for Ratko to adopt a new name, besides avoiding the immature playground insults at the Hague, is that when he escapes he can start a new life.

“Ratko – Rick – is just like you and me in that he wants to be different, like,” chimed child chimney sweep Mugs McCoy, 9, round the pub. “The best way for ‘im to do that, really, is to escape out the Hague n’ go somewheres nobody knows ‘im, like,” he went on, squinting at something.

“Rick…never would’ve done the things I’ve done – been accused of doing,” Ratko wrote on his Facebook wall. “Still…growing up I was always jealous of Slobodan.”

Slobodan, or “Slobo” as his fan calls him, was President of Serbia, self-medicated, and wore Julian Assange jeans to high school.

“I wanted those jeans, but I couldn’t afford them,” a person writing under the name Rick Mladic tweeted. “They were so silky smooth – no one knew what they were made out of – it was top secret.”

Despite Ratko’s new name change, is it gonna be enough to keep folks off his trail?

“He should get out of that boxy old army uniform he’s got. The hat’s too small for his head and beige makes most people want to throw up,” ejaculated BB Fun Corp fashion guru Matsumoto Boy, 23. “I would wakeboard him and slap some magma on his face to smooth out all those worry lines from years of hiding, as well,” Boy went on.

YMCA trainer Muscleini, 34, advised Rick hit the gym and work out using the newest Beatles endorsed muscle toning gadget. “Oh yeah, everybody we get comin’ in these days is crying out for it: ‘Gimme the Ab Four, gimme the Ab Four.’ You strap it on you and it pushes your abs…right up into your throat, here, where you can feel it.”

It sounds like a lot of work.

“It is a lot of work.”

Shouldn’t something named the Ab Four be fun to use?

“That’s what Paul and Ringo said, but John and George were against it. They wanted it to be deep, challenging.”

But-

“Yeah, I know – they’re dead so how come they get to decide.

Yes.

“Both Paul and Ringo’ve been visited by John and George’s ghosts. And I can tell you the ghosts aren’t happy about a lot of things.”

You seem to know a lot about the Beatles.

“Yeah, I read up on them, but to tell the truth their workout gear is much better than their music.”

Name-changing really is a great way to start over. Lots of people are doing it. Life’s too short to go around with a black cloud hangin’ over your head all the time.

Am I right?!?

About Styles Cradgerock

Closely following the rules of Pythagorus - to abstain from beans, not to pick up what was fallen, not to eat the heart, and refusing to look in a mirror after midnite, Cradgerock gets all up in the grills of all the world's leaders, bringing more than just his reputation as the king of folksy garbage to the table...bringing...er...Mr. Cradgerock also wrote the bestselling eBook, My Mind is a Battlefield, 2010, which will be made into a t-shirt as sooner than you can say Duran Duran.
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3 Responses to Ratko Mladic Changing His Name to Rick?

  1. terence arbok says:

    isn’t it interesting how quickly the news becomes a paid ad for the Ab Four?

  2. la bear says:

    we can work it out?

  3. dagmar shook says:

    whatz with this name change fixation you guys/galz have? soooo sick of your *** changes name to *** stories/fanatasies. unrealistic = unentertaining = back to work for me…no more staring at my kompyooter when i could be getting real werk done.

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