Author Archives: Ohashi Jozu

About Ohashi Jozu

Ohashi Jozu is a seasoned business affairs columnist. His 37 years with Japan's premier financial trade newspaper The Nikkei Weekly earned him kudos from Princess Masako, Seattle Mariners' slugger Ichiro Suzuki, and the widely-respected deceased American writer Norman Mailer, who once called Mr Ohashi " a living embodiment of Japan's samurai spirit - a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride of a human being." Ohashi Jozu has two daughters, Koari, and Sadako. They are attending junior college and hope to become flight attendants.

Foreigners will be Tested on Chopstick Ability Japan Says

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By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As Japan cannot fight back against evil China, a new plan for revenge, revenge of any sort, damnit, has taken shape during the hours of 9 – 5 in the back alleys sandwiched between grey government offices and a delicious Chinese dumpling restaurant.

Beginning November 16, foreigners living in, entering or leaving Japan will be tested on their ability to use chopsticks.

Posted in Japan

Espresso, Lattes, Rats!

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By Ohashi Jozo, SHIMOKITAZAWA HILLS – Shimokitazawa, Tokyo. The summer of the American hipster. Blacky oversized chunky Williamsburger glasses leap from face to face, sucking all the shopping value out of a young Japonaise girl’s face and replacing it with…Ugly Betty!

Espresso, Lattes, Rats!

Posted in Japan

Japanese Man Uses Hairdryer To Dry His Balls

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By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Recently more and more I work to rid my body of flabs and to become macho for the summertime. Day after day night after day I slide myself to the pricey gym where I don tights and perch upon a stationary bicyclette. The sweat gushes from every pore squirting on everything. After ‘cising I got to get my shower on. After that one is left the one remaining task before ejecting onto a Shibuya street literally littered with rats: to dry one’s body so clearly.

Posted in Japan

New TOEIC Test to Include Pillow Talk

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By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As you know many foreign man has come to Japan the purpose of which is to sex Japanese woman. At English conversational school and so on such seduction has become aplenty. Inside cube area such foreigners “teach” English to potential Japanese mate. One of such tests of conversational English is the many-feared TOEIC (Teach English I Can’t Take) test of English.

The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.

Posted in Japan

Google Alert for Obama:North Korea Trying to Start a Big Fucking War

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By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Dear President-elect Obama/To Whom it May Concern, It’s great you became the president. I’m looking forward visiting your country some day when I get a free time.

By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.

Posted in Japan, Presidential Daily Brief

Smorgasborg: The Gastronomic Cyborg

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By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – Japan has shown China it is superior once again with Japanese technology giant BB FunCorp’s unveiling of Smorgasborg, the Gastronomic Cyborg yesterday at Denny’s.

Many weaklings in the audience vomited profusely when the saw the dishes Smorgas, had made.

Posted in Exclusive!, Japan, Stories For Bottoms

Japan Gives Iran 9 Volcanoes

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By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Just as Barack Obama America’s first black president has offered Iran “a new day” via his personal VHS videotape message to Iran’s president Saddam Hussein, Japan, the world’s second superpower is giving Iran nine volcanoes on Tuesday.

“Japan, one of our most ah steadfast uh allies – in the fight to ah, to really get things turned around over there ah in Iran, has ah to the best of our knowledge, ah promised to deliver those volcanoes before breakfast to ah Mr Hussein,” Mr Obama commented via his Blackberry text machine.

Posted in Iraq, Japan

Roppongi is a ‘Sausagefest’ Declares Tokyo Mayor

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By Ohashi Jozu, Roppongi, TOKYO – As you know many foreigners had come to Tokyo. The purpose of this travel is well-known – it is to sex Japanese female. Every year so many foreign man came to Tokyo with all-night backpack seeking to enjoy such activity.

But no more.

Posted in Japan

Canada May Decriminalize Carjacking

By Ohashi Jozu, Belleville Ontario, CANADA – I wept when they sentenced me to board the plane to the arctic country of Canada. This frozen wasteland was made most famous as the site of the fantastic movie Narnia. In that movie there is a tiger which can pull kids along on a sleigh and it looks so thrilling. But Canada is not such a place – its’ cold dehumanizing tundra drives most of the residents here mad within one year. All of this is well-known within Japan, which is why we go to America instead.

Posted in Canaduh

Man Sexually Pleasures Goat for Plush Japanese Job

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Young American business student Jeremy Savage, 28 says he “dreamed of coming to Japan for years”, lured by promises of easy sex with loose Japanese women, carte blanche (“blank card” in Canadian English) free alcohol, […]

Posted in Highlighted Brutality, Japan, Schadenfreude