Author Archives: Daemon Mailer

About Daemon Mailer

Sweet little Daemon Mailer invented the Internet in his garage while he was trying unsuccessfully to invent the first rental video store. Like the rest, Daeme is also making moves to cash in on BT's success and avoid eating peanut butter out of a jar livin' in his car the rest of his life. All during the night as he wiggles to an 'fro, some kinda machine records his thoughts, churning out a pile o crud to be compiled in the forthcoming tome, I am Spam.

Aging Hypocrites Want a Piece of the Pie

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By Daemon Mailer, VERMONT – Angry young people massed themselves into howling packs and began pogoing up and down in riotous response in reaction to the release of a landmark tweet tweeted this morning by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies.

The tweet, which was promptly deleted before it could incite further unrest, apparently asserted old people are jonesing for more than their share of the proverbial planetary pie.

Posted in Exclusive!

Nietzsche’s New Sex Tape!

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By Daemon Mailer, HELSINKI – Internet users breathed a heavy sigh of Internet relief this morning at news that the Obama Administration and governments around the globe will allow German philosopher Nietzsche’s new sex tape to stream a little longer.

Posted in Latest Brutality

Man Uses Social Networking Tool Facebook to Express Himself, but not Twitter

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By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Laughton Cahootenghastob, 21, a hedge fund manager at Billy’s Bank, never expected to be caught in the epicenter of an Internet shitstorm. But after Cahootenghastob used social networking tool Facebook to express himself last […]

Posted in Featured Brutality

Steve Jobs’ Perfect Presentation Secrets

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By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Just like you and me, Apple head honcho Steve Jobs took a fresh body blow yesterday from the news of increased turmoil in the Middle East. With flotillas and vuvuzelas threatening to end the the world’s diverse peoples before we can ride the wave of globalization, etc., is there any news for hope?

Yes.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality

MySpace Backing Gaddafi in Social Network War

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By Daemon Mailer, Libya, TRIPOLI – Chief executives from classic rock social networking site MySpace met with Libya’s head honcho, Moammar Ghadafi at Denny’s this morning to hash out plans for a “full frontal” assault on rebel bases held by FaceBook and Twitter, the Brutal Times has learned.

Posted in Latest Brutality

Shocker: Most U.S. Kids Don’t Know What ‘Don’t Taze me, Bro’ is

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By Daemon Mailer, NEBRASKA – While most news organizations topple over themselves trying to report the same nonnews about North Korea attacking the South this evening, a far more exciting and razzle-dazzle thing has done happened, right underneath their noses, The Brutal Times has learned.

According to a landmark overnite study conducted by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies, most U.S. kids don’t know what “Don’t taze me, bro” is.

Posted in Latest Brutality

Great Oral Tradition of Television Threatened by Internet

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By Daemon Mailer, BOSTON – If you’re among the billions that are stricken with fear at losing their favorite shows due to the gargantuan mammoth called the Internet, you’re not alone. Indeed, a new report by prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies has revealed, and is continuing to reveal, that the great oral tradition is threatened by the Internet.

Posted in Schadenfreude

Satan to become CNN’s New Gadget Specialist

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By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST – In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN’s go-to gadget guy. After selling his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan “so many times it really ruffled my feathers,” according to the Big Red One himself.

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer

Millions Misspell ‘Flotilla’ as ‘Tortilla’ When Sexting

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By Daemon Mailer, THE INTERNET – Millions have manned up this morning to misspelling “flotilla”, a lay term meaning “floating tortilla”, as “tortilla”, a land-bound Mexican delicacy served at Taco Bell.

The misspellings occured mainly during sexting.

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer

Many Misspell ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when Sexting

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By Daemon Mailer, YEMEN – Tempers flared again Saturday as further details emerged showing growing numbers of teenagers, baby-boomers and seniors are constantly mispelling ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when sexting.

“I think it’s bloody ridiculous” ejaculated Troy Underwood, 23, who is vacationing in Yemen with his mother and her pet. “When I was in school, the sensei would whip us blind if we dared engage in such foolery,” he went on, attracting a small crowd.

Posted in Special Report