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Featured Brutality

This is brutality (stories of whimsy) that is featured on The Brutal Times, de gozaimasu.

Casual Mondays Plan Raises Alarm at Goldman Sachs

September 16, 2008 by Business Jesus

By Business Jesus, NEW YORK CITY- With financial markets in turmoil this week after industry giant Lehman Brothers disintegrated and the once most reliable player on the scene, Merrill Lynch, was gobbled up by the Bank of America, traders and […]

Japan Develops Supersonic 1-Ply Toilet Paper

August 25, 2008 by Ohashi Jozu

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO- The tiny island nation of Japan has triumphed over nature and China in its announcement Tuesday evening that fastfood and toy giant BB FunCorp has developed the world`s first supersonic 1-ply toliet tissue. Japan, which occupies […]

Identity Theft Ruffles Feathers

August 23, 2008 by Rabeezio Rabeezio

By Rabeezio Rabeezio, TORONTO – In recent months the Feds have been turning up the heat on Identity Fraudsters, but many people claim it’s too little too late. I’ve always been pretty easy to identify in a crowd, what with […]

Priceless Van Gogh PowerPoints Recovered

May 19, 2008 by Barry Husein

By Barry Hussein, PARIS – Priceless PowerPoint flow charts done by art world darling Vincent Van Gogh were found inside the bikini brief underpants of vacationing tourist Gerry Ham, as he attempted to board an Airbus 230 for his native […]

2 McDonald’s Cheeseburgers Are Cheaper Than 1 Double Cheeseburger

May 2, 2008 by Grande Chef Otto

By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO- As world food prices soar and balloon out of control prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies is reporting that on site inspections conclusively indicate that 2 McDonald’s cheeseburgers are cheaper than one double cheeseburger. “We found […]

Ancient Mayan Food Pyramid Unearthed

April 7, 2008 by Grande Chef Otto

By Grande Chef Otto MEXICO (Tijuana) – Brutal April showers the last few weeks have kept Stateside tourists from making their annual after spring break pilgrimages to this holy city adding to the woes of local street musicians and artisans who survive by selling their creations to visiting US thrillseekers.

But early reports this morning suggest that Tijuana’s stormclouds may yet possess a silver lining.

Iraq Offers To Reduce Brutal Cost Of War

March 10, 2008 by Barry Husein

By Barry Hussein, Iraq, BAGHDAD – As costs mount for the pricey Iraq war, bean counters in the US administration have been prodding policymakers to look for cheaper theaters of operation in the upcoming fiscal new year. The non-partisan Congressional […]

Japan Introduces ‘Foreigner-Only’ Train Compartments

February 22, 2008 by Ohashi Jozu

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As the foreign population bursts and explodes in Japan, leading to more and more awkward moments between normal Japanese and uncouth Americans, forward-thinking Japanese transportation companies have come up with a novel solution: Foreigner-Only train […]

‘My Life Was A Pecan-Glazed Hell’: Confessions Of A Wicker Addict

January 25, 2008 by Marshall Stack

By Marshall Stack, NEW YORK- Luke Lundy speaks quickly through thin, lip balm stained fingers as he peers furtively out at the world through the same fingers he is trying to speak through. This is no easy task for the […]

Cheese: Legal Tender in Canada by 2014

January 2, 2008 by Marshall Stack

By Marshall Stack, CANADA (Thornloe) -In the normally tepid hamlet of Thornloe, Ontario, there is an air brewing in the air. There is a buzz around the lone traffic light and the door of the convenience store is being opened and summarily closed far more often than usual. Why the sturm und drang?