By Rabeezio Rabeezio, TORONTO – In recent months the Feds have been turning up the heat on Identity Fraudsters, but many people claim it’s too little too late. I’ve always been pretty easy to identify in a crowd, what with my purple dreadlocks, Salvador Dali Moustache, and my 7 foot 4 inch stature. So if someone stole my identity it’d be pretty easy to find them methinks.
However, I’ve spent the past week talking to Torontonians who’ve had their identities stolen, and let me tell you – it ain’t pretty. “I just don’t know who I am anymore” mumbles a downhearted Ethen Calhoun, “Ever since my identity’s been stolen I’m not sure how to act. I mean I have a lot of generation x clothes in my closet and I found a Nirvana 8 track in my stereo, but I don’t feel angst or seething rage inside of me, I mean, that’s who I was man, I was a gen-exxer, now I’m ….” His words trail off into a lethargic stream of stale tears.
As pathetic as it Calhoun’s case is, don’t let that fool you into thinking identity theft is a good thing. It affects cool people as well. Take the case of James Inglewood, enegmatic lead guitarist and frontman of the Toronto band ‘The Leather Pussies’. His high energy live shows drew crowds from as far away as Oshawa, Canada’s Motor City. However, while on a hitchhiking trip to collect psychedelic mushrooms in preparation for going into the studio to record the bands third album, ‘Tragedy Struck’, tragedy struck. Inglewood’s identity was savagely taken from him at a truckstop in the deep forests of Algonquin National Park. “Their live shows just aren’t the same” whines fan Chrissy Lancelot, “I mean, he used to jump into the crowd, split blood, smash bottles over his head, now he just kind of stands there like a manequin. I mean even James Blunt has more soul than him now.”
This reporter for one has seen and heard a lot of unspeakable, unmentionable, even unthinkable things in his long career, but when musicians start getting compared to J—s B—t, this reporter feels a strong urge to do the technicolor yawn.
After interviewing so many soul-less simons I was moved to visit the men in blue and ask what us normal, ‘identically correct’ humans could do to protect ourselves against the scourge of identity theft. Toronto District Regional Police Commandente, Charles ‘The Hawk’ Toilenger, had this to say on the matter. “Get the F–K out of my station house you purple haired piece of S–T, what the F–K kind of news paper is called the Brutal F–KING Times!?!? Sounds like some GOD D–NED commie rag to me!!”
So, as usual the police were no help in solving the matter. I decided I needed to take this case to a higher authority – THE LEAGUE OF JUSTICE!!
However, they seemed to have problems of their own. Grand Wizard of the League, Paul Wolfowitz, had this to say. “Well we’ve been having a rash of secret identity thefts for months now. I don’t know how it’s happening but our superheros just can’t go off the clock anymore. They’ve no secret identities to return to!”
So dear readers, it seems nobody can help you.The only way to protect your identity seems to be to staying away from forests, live gigs, superheros, and Nirvana albums. If you do happen to notice any suspicious identities, disembodied, floating, hanging around, or otherwise not connected to a human, please contact me as I’ve decided to put together my own task force to help return identities to their proper owners. We are called “The Project for the New American Century“. Thank you for your support.