By Grande Chef Otto MEXICO (Tijuana) – Brutal April showers the last few weeks have kept Stateside tourists from making their annual after spring break pilgrimages to this holy city adding to the woes of local street musicians and artisans who survive by selling their creations to visiting US thrillseekers.
But early reports this morning suggest that Tijuana’s stormclouds may yet possess a silver lining.
“Hector Salazar and his brother Antonio Salazar discovered, early this morning in their garden, what appears to be the top point of an ancient Mayan food pyramid,” announced Tijuana mayor Eduardo Salazar, speaking to reporters from a wide range of countries, including Greenland.
Immediately skeptics rushed to attack the mayor on both a professional and personal basis.
“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” insisted Erik C. Taft, who is a director at the prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies. “The Mayans never migrated as far west as TJ (hard core street slang for Tijuana). They preferred the cooler, more temperate zones of Kokomo.”
Dr Barret Holo, who has spent his retirement writing a pop-up book on Mayan culture also leapt to denounce Mayor Salazar.
“Look at that face – look at that head!” he shouted, as he massaged his single remaining sideburn. “That isn’t the same head he had on when he ran for office,” Holo pointed out.
Mayor Salazar did in fact undergo an intense set of facial and headal modifications after winning the 2006 mayoral elections in Tijuana. Some say he exchanged eyes with a shark. Much of his hair is said to be homemade.
Still, despite such provocative data Salazar is generally well-liked and is often photographed as much for his genuine smile (which is an officially sanctioned Tijuana National Treasure) as he is for his eyes and hair, and head.
“Salazar would never lie to us – the pyramid is real,” insisted supporter Rosa Salazar, who also insisted she be allowed to demonstrate her imitation of Salazar’s popular smile.
Miss Rosa was echoed by several diehard US college students who say they caught glimpses of the thing after a night on town with Salazar and “some other groovy party girls who showed up around 2.”
“I saw cake at the top, where green vegies usually go,” said Greg Pear, 26, a barrista from San Diego. “That`s a relief ’cause I sure like cake.”
Sara Sugarman, 22, a philosophy student from San Franscisco disagreed slightly with Mr Pear.
“No, no – cake was second, where fruit usually goes; the top spot was LSD.”
When told that LSD is not only not a food, but classified as a dangerous mind-eating substance, Ms Sugarman replied haughtily, “You ain’t the boss of me.”
Other young people wanted to be part of this article but their comments are unprintable, as usual.
Mayor Salazar says the pyramid will first be “shrouded in secrecy” for about a year and a half to ten years, and then be studied intensely by privileged nutritionists possessing special Tijuana sanctioned passes.
“After that I guess we’ll show it off in a museum some place. Unless it has space aliens inside it; then we may have to blow it up,” he said.