Hillary Woos Goth Vote

By Styles Cradgerock PENNSYLVANIA – Second place finish candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton is far from “rolling over and playing dead,” her campaign spokesperson Haylie Grahame declared in confidence late yesterday evening.

Ms Clinton has been hitting Pennsylvania streets with a vengeance, desperately urging primary voters who live, work or sleep there to choose her as their preferred candidate in the looming April 22 multi-primary, known commonly as Super Duper Tuesday.

“Last night Hillary met with local goth leaders”, said Grahame. “This campaign is about reaching out – and that’s exactly what Hillary is doing, by meeting these …people.”

Statics obtained by The Brutal Times indeed show that since 2000 Democratic candidates almost entirely ignored districts in primary states with high goth populations.

“They didn’t want to speak with us,” said Jane Martin, 38, who doesn’t like to call herself a goth, but looks a lot like one and admitted to owning CDs by Christian Death and Bauhaus, popular goth shock rock artists. “They didn’t want too even look at us (back in 2000 and 2004) “, she claimed.

Martin’s allegations are echoed in the Internet machine postings of popular goth blogs and webchatrooms such as thedarkunder and eyesofmagog.

eyesofmagog founder Richard Snary, 40, of Montreal, Canada says that many US chat visitors “feel left out of the process” and “are alienated.”

While fellow Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama apparently seems at ease with his decision to focus his attentions instead on fans of Krautrock, Clinton is racheting up her campaign to woo disillusioned goths to her side come Super Duper Tuesday.

Obama’s campaign manager David Plouffe assures that the Illinois senator “means no disrespect” to Pennsylvania’s sizeable goth constituency. However, sources close to the Obama campaign report that both the senator himself and a majority of his staff decided to pursue fans of such Krautrock bands as Kraftwerk and Nena because of heavy lobbying from the Krautrock Business Group (KGB).

KGB is under investigation for pressuring other politicians including former governor Mike Huckabee, and 2004 California candidate for governor Gary Coleman.

“Yes, we gave them a few records, so what?” said KGB head honcho Joseph Kott, 50. “And now just for that you want to give us a little spanking?” he asked, when questioned on the issue recently.

Though gifts of Krautrock are technically not illegal since no one has thought to make up a rule to cover it, goths, particularly, are incensed that Obama has decided to pass them over in favor of a foreign-born genre.

A recently-leaked Internet machine photo of Senator Obama dressed in a tight black turtleneck and apparently listening to the seminal Krautrock anthem “Autobahn” has not helped smooth ruffled goth feathers.

“Yes, seeing that photo – doctored or not – did ruffle my feathers,” said Seth Richard James Manson, 35 of no relation to fellow Florida Goth rocker Marilyn Manson. “I’m voting Clinton – she’s the one for me.”

Clinton, seen canvassing door-to-door dressed in black for the occasion, instantly drew fire from her frontrunner competitor.

Senator Obama, who is trying to become America’s first black president, said that while it was “admirable” that Clinton had made recent efforts to reach out to Goths, “You know, it’s only since my good friend Hillary started losing in the polls that she began to show some concern for the plight of these people, while others in the senate, such as myself have been pressing for legislation in this area since early last year.”

The legislation Obama was referring to, The Shiny Happy People Act, while intended to appease goth voters, apparently backfired, when in a keynote senate speech Obama attributed the goth anthem it was named after, to Canadian crooner Celine Dion.

“I had seen Celine sing that song the night before (in Vegas), and I had it in my mind and so it was an honest mistake,” Obama said shortly after the incident.

Clinton aides saw an opening, and ever since have been courting those in capes.

“Obama clearly missed an opportunity with the SAP Act,” says Barry Hussein, a political commentator for The Brutal Times. “If he had only looked on Wikipedia and checked his facts before that speech in March, he wouldn’t be sitting where he is now in the polls in Pennsylvania.”

About Styles Cradgerock

Closely following the rules of Pythagorus - to abstain from beans, not to pick up what was fallen, not to eat the heart, and refusing to look in a mirror after midnite, Cradgerock gets all up in the grills of all the world's leaders and their pets like you knew he would.
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4 Responses to Hillary Woos Goth Vote

  1. admin says:

    back off, cradgerock, that lady’s fantastic.

  2. Urbanwytch says:

    This is loud and clear evidence we need another debate! Only this time the question of WIG/WING (What Is Goth vs What Is Not Goth) needs to be fought out. Too many of these Krauts are illegitimately claiming, or being proclaimed as, GOTH when it’s quite evident they are synth, or industrial, even.
    We need to know where these lily-livered Dems stand!

    Carpe noctem,

  3. minako says:

    urbumwytch are you real witch?!? i’m minako – japnese girl, 21. recently went nyc. my hobby is snowbord, boogie board and eat ice cream!?! do you coming japan?!?

  4. helen jee says:

    goths are an interesting cultural phenomenon with salsa.