Delicious Topping


These are breaking stories that only BT has the right to make up.

Nameless Drifters Face Housing Shortage

By The Serge, TORONTO – Once again, flying in the face of everything, the upper crust is deeming to dump on, er, the lower crust. Case in point, according to a landmark study issued by prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies, […]

Why Try Harder?: 2012 Republican Presidential Master Debate 8 Spoilers

By Styles Cradgerock,Florida, ORLANDO- Who’d want to go and sit through another Republican 2012 Presidential Master Debate? But with The Serge off sick and Barry Husein confined to his room I drew the short straw and jetted off from Tokyo to sunny Orlando, Florida to sleep through most of it, the 7th Republican Master Debate in as many weeks.


By Smia Oots, TOKYO – Obama.

Arcade Fire.


Your iPhone.

WikiLeaks Classical Composer Spoilers

By DJ Salinger, STOCKHOLM – Andy Warhol, CEO of WikiLeaks released an hot treasure trove of hot leaks fresh off his new album, Hot Leaks, The Brutal Times has learned. And the hottest among them?

Classical Composer spoilers.

Girl’s Bladder is Timed to Coworker She Despises

By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath number about cocaine your grampa played you when you was about yey high.

Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.

Libraries are Killing the Internet

By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco, home of the Whopper, pizza, the iPod Touch and the Internet. Its citizens are full of themselves.

Ask them for directions and receive the snub of a lifetime.

“We’re the greatest,” says Pauline Faine, 10, a barista in the trendy Haight-Ashbury stoner district.

But now something else San Francisco invented is killing the Internet: Libraries.

Neil Young Nude Challenges, Disappoints

By DJ Salinger, VERMONT – 517,9876 fans gathered here on the eroding muddy banks of what was once merely a disenchanted unmarried farmer’s spinach farm to hear acts as diverse as Mozart Jr., to Venom and Neil Young (from Canada).

The 167th annual KISSS-FM New Horizons Festa, sponsored by homegrown ristorante Ssh…Kebab, featured special additions to this year’s programme that shocked some.

Neil Young performed nude.

James Brown is Dead, China Says

By DJ Salinger, BEIJING – Early reports coming out of this world-class Olympic city are confirming what the rest of the world has believed to be true for well over a year – that James Brown has died.

Smorgasborg: The Gastronomic Cyborg

By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – Japan has shown China it is superior once again with Japanese technology giant BB FunCorp’s unveiling of Smorgasborg, the Gastronomic Cyborg yesterday at Denny’s.

Many weaklings in the audience vomited profusely when the saw the dishes Smorgas, had made.

Rush’s 2112 Estates Mostly Unsold

By DJ Salinger, TORONTO – Coveted Rush 2112 Estates mostly lie empty as people in this super funky fried chicken hipster town are rushing headlong instead towards more affordable housing.

“I really wanted a Rush condo,” said Basil Head, 43 “but I’m rushing headlong instead towards more affordable housing.”

But where, dude?

“In my mother’s basement – it’s got laundry.”