By DJ Salinger, STOCKHOLM – Andy Warhol, CEO of WikiLeaks, released an hot treasure trove of hot leaks fresh off his new album, Hot Leaks, The Brutal Times has learned. And the hottest among them?
Classical Composer spoilers.
Warhol, speaking through hot spokesperson pert Canadian model Undo, 58, sounded both groggy and happy to be communing from beyond the dead.
“Heyyyyyyy,” he said.
Warhol’s pet project, WikiLeaks, has gone viral like a flotilla from outer space this 2010, scooping all the usual news orgs by actually reporting news, giving everyone who wants one a free body blow. In addition to releasing an whole bunch of Iraq and Afghan War spoilers a few weeks back, and diplomatic cables this morning, Mr. Warhol previewed perhaps the most shock-rocking shockers of his whole Secret Santa sack with several staff writers of The Brutal Times, Dogs & Cats Magazine, and the madcap Norwegian death metal blog Eyes of Magog.
Below are some of the juiciest tidbits regarding the tawdry world of Classical music, according to Andy.
Beethoven: Is dead. Had the clap; gave it to Ringo.
Brahms: Dead. Had the clap; got it from Ringo.
Schubert: Real name Horace Flot. Missing.
Mahler: Stained; Mostly around the edges.
Liszt: Dented, chipped.
Bach: Wore a wig.
Gluck: Made a few pornos.
Strauss: Is not really “from the streets.”
Verdi: Is related to Dick Cheney.
Schumann: Is related to Dick Cheney and Obama.
Berlioz: Taller than he looks.
Mendelssohn: Always finishes his set with Concerto in B Minor.
Dvorak: Tunes down.
Verdi: Has no further plans to tour despite what it says on his website.
Offenbach: Is not sincere when he says he wants to take more time off to spend time with his kids.
Mozart: Plays with one finger.
Tchikovsky: Does not appear on any of his albums.
Electric Light Orchestra: Has only one original member.