I Got Probs

By Hessy Marin, Special to The Brutal Times, BOSTON- I got probs. Man, let me tell you! Things were goin’ pretty swell for a while there – new boy, new apartment – even a new car…

Then, I won the lottery.

Not the lottery per se, but the, you know, Scratch N’ Sniff.

Lemme try that again.

I won the lottery – the lottery per se – it’s just called the Scratch N’ Sniff by people here in Boston. I dunno how it started – I guess kids who scratched the tickets figured they could snort the magnetic dust they scratched off their tickets up their noses.

Let’s be frank: Some of those “kids” were 85.

Let’s be franker: The age restrictions on PowderBall and PowderBall Jumbo specifically state “while old people may purchase PB and PB Jumbo games, they cannot win.”

That part always made me laugh.

Moving along, (Thanks for scrolling down by the way!) after I won the PBJ myself last Thursday, I got a call at my door from the local mafioso.

The stereotypes is true!

Danny Terrio, a smart-looking young man in a black turtleneck told me I gotta go “halfsies” with them and cough up like, actually more than half when you get right down to it!

“You gotta go halfsies with us,” he said.

Dude, you gotta be kidding me, I snorted, in the space I had left to snort.

“Yeah. Listen, I’ll be back after you’ve gone to sleep, and we can talk about this further,” he kept on talking.

Yeah so anyway he like never even showed up!

But then like the next he he shows up at my place of work and he’s all like “Sorry, I couldn’t make it – I had a thing.”


But then the next night they show up and beat the living crap outta me.

So now we’re going halfsies.

So, but, I still like the lottery.

There’s something about it that takes me out of my cube and gives me a little extra charge during the day.

I have some other probs, too.

Like the other day my car got towed.

You know, I was so cheesed, I figured like, fuck it. I’m not going down there and getting it: I’ll just buy a new one even though I’m gonna wind up sharing it with Danny Terrio.

The thing about DT is he’s not really a free agent either – all the stuff I gotta share with Danny, he’s gotta share with these other losers he doesn’t even like.

I guess you could say I’m falling in love with him.

Basically, when you think about it – or even if you just look at it – we’re all basically the same, just like good old Jack London said – all stuck suffering under some kind of “universal thumb.”

Am I right?

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