Delicious Topping


As you know, dear reader – readers? , The Brutal Times is based in Tokyo, Japon, formerly the world’s zaniest country (North Korea is the kookiest) and now, just between us – the land of nukes n’ quakes. Still, we hope for the best, right? And there’s no better place I know for a midnite miso ramen than Shimokitazawa Hills. And no better authority on Japan than BT’s Ohashi Jozu. Am I right?

I Need my Coffee

By Deborah Haines, Special to The Brutal Times, BALTIMORE – I need my coffee. It’s so hard to focus on all the data that I have to punch into PC at the office (I’m a data entry professional). The first thing I do when I get into the office at 8:13am every morning is uncork my jumbo Starbucks tumbler (I call him Iron Man) and pour myself out a healthy dollop of swirling burbly black teeth rot.

White Guy ‘Likes Rap Music’

By DJ Salinger, DES MOINES – Most stories begin with a call in the night. After snacking I’m usually bloated and angry and can just barely summon the will to drag myself into my hammock so it goes without saying that I don’t like to be woken. But this time turned out to be different.

“What now?,” I demanded as I picked up the phone.

My editor at The Brutal Times, El Toro came on the line.

“I know a guy, a white guy,” he said. “He says he likes rap music.”

Japan Buys Popular US Holidays as Dollar Dips

By Ohashi Jozu, with Business Jesus, TOKYO – The world’s second largest economy may well be entering an exciting recession, as mentioned by CNN and other news junkies, but perhaps due to the simultaneous rise in the value of the yen the message on the floor of the Nikkei stock exchange is still buy buy buy!

Man Sexually Pleasures Goat for Plush Japanese Job

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Young American business student Jeremy Savage, 28 says he “dreamed of coming to Japan for years”, lured by promises of easy sex with loose Japanese women, carte blanche (“blank card” in Canadian English) free alcohol, […]

Japan Develops Supersonic 1-Ply Toilet Paper

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO- The tiny island nation of Japan has triumphed over nature and China in its announcement Tuesday evening that fastfood and toy giant BB FunCorp has developed the world`s first supersonic 1-ply toliet tissue. Japan, which occupies […]

The Brutal Times Bags Santa, Celebrates Early Christmas

After more than a month of unexplained absence from the Internet machine, global hipster favorite the brutal has scored a big win this week as Santa signed an exclusive 7-year contract to write for the site.

Double-Barrelled Secret Brutal Parties Hit Tokyo

By Smia Oots TOKYO – The twin sister cities of Shimokitazawa and Higashi-Kitazawa, located in the opulent Setagaya district are heavily-rumored to be the sites of unprecedented late-night bacchanalia this Saturday night, The Brutal Times has learned. Shawna Hailbloom, a […]

Japan Introduces ‘Foreigner-Only’ Train Compartments

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As the foreign population bursts and explodes in Japan, leading to more and more awkward moments between normal Japanese and uncouth Americans, forward-thinking Japanese transportation companies have come up with a novel solution: Foreigner-Only train […]

Teachers Buried Alive Inside Japanese English School

By Ohashi Jozu,TOKYO – Eileen Fuchenzie couldn’t wait to come to Japan. The 22 year-old Canadian philosophy major at York University spent months packing and re-packing die-hard Canadian staples like Kraft Dinner macaroni and cheese, ampules of maple syrup, and […]

Visors And Gloves Too Little Too Late Says Japan Health

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – With the world’s largest aging population (78 million Japanese are currently over 80 years of age) the tiny island nation of Japan has what you might call a national obsession with national health. Newspapers, television […]