Fonzi Schemes Surge in ’08

By Business Jesus, NEW YORK CITY – With investors and investettes losing their tops this quarter the shocking revelation of a new slew of Fonzi schemes has shock-rocked this seasonally sleepy city into a frenzy of fist-waving and foul-mouthed frustration.

Smartly-dressed former NASA astronaut Wile Cabot III was accused yesterday by a ton of people, of being the mastermind behind yet another case of the dreaded Fonzi scheme. Since last week or so as you know at least two dudes from NYC got totally caught for taking dudes’ money and saying they were gonna get “introduced” to Fonzi.

Mr Cabot has plead insanity.

Fonzi, or Athur Fonzarelli is the fictitious character artfully played by Tom Hanks in the 50’s tv show “Leave it to Beaver”.

Even he voted for Obama, despite the fact that he is a well-registered Republican which means he can’t do that.

But they counted his vote anyway.

Still, how does this whole mess affect the rest of us?

“It’s going to come trickling down and then we’ll be covered in a soylent goo,” said US Representative Maureen Jameson, 46.

Her statement seemed vague and I forgot to ask which party she was from but I’m guessing Dem. Plus, she was staring me right in the face when she was talking, which I find uncomfortable, so I didn’t really do any follow-up like reporters are supposed to do.

Anyway, these Fonzi schemes are on the increase and lots of folk are getting roped in. What’s the attraction? Is Fonzi- irresistible?

“No, there are ways to resist Fonzi,” says Dr Ray Goolens, who is writing a coffee table book on the subject of Fonzi schemes. “But there are side effects – ultimately, as you know, if you refuse to choose to be a Fonzi, you become a Potsie.”

Potsie if you don’t know, was a character on Fonzi’s show who people thought was a buffoon, or doofus. To many, the choice between adopting a potentially financially ruinous personality like Fonzi or accepting the totally uncool Potsie into their hearts at Christmas might just be too damn much.

“Yeah, I know – it’s not what you wanna hear, right?” offered Goolens. “But them’s the facts, Mac.”

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2 Responses to Fonzi Schemes Surge in ’08

  1. admin says:

    Note to Readers- this story was nominated for an Academy Award shortly after publication.

  2. Johnny Depp says:

    Yep. Fonsi’s Nucular. See? I still can’t say it.