Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times

How the Royals Save Money

By Business Jesus, LONDON – Ever wonder how the Royals save money?

They don’t.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Man’s Shit “Doesn’t Stink”

By El Toro, WOODS HOLE – The medical community has become unhinged this morning with reports of Ron Jean Beaujong, a 22-year-old systems programmer from Oregon clogging up the blogosphere so much so that wi-fi is down all over town.

Know why?

Mr. Jean Beaujong’s shit doesn’t stink.

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Jean Claude Van Damme To Join Van Halen

By DJ Salinger, PARIS – Ah, Paris! Paris in the spring. What can one say about Paris? Only, it isn’t spring, and so far, to be be frank, almost all that’s been written about this golden city on the Seine is unreadable.

Unless you speak French.

Posted in Latest Brutality, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Top Three Ways To Tell if Your Partner Wants an Open Relationship

By Coco Nostradamus, TORONTO –
Hey guys, time to put your winter boots on and help yourself to another sandwich. Everybody got their coffees? OK. If you were born on this date, you might want to take a look at the following before making any big decisions this week involving you or a partner in your life:

Posted in Philosophy Sluts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Obama Romney Presidential Debate: The Director’s Cut

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Jim, can they – can the American people hear us right now?
MR. LEHRER: What is the difference?
MR. ROMNEY: Well —
MR. LEHRER: Let’s just say they can see your arms flapping around but they have no idea what you’re saying.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

My Feet Hurt

By Roger Talock, Special to The Brutal Times, MILWAUKEE – My feet hurt.
Know why?
From walkin’ ’round all the time!
Yeah, no, and what’s more is you can’t even bring it up no more.
Feet are killin’ you?
That’s too bad, my boy.
No one wants to give my feet story the time of day.

Until today.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Radiohead Change Name to Videohead

By DJ Salinger, LONDON – As London gets ready for the Olympics, shoppers were shocked to learn that long-time fellow Londoners and Deepresso artists, Radiohead will change their name to time with the August Opening Ceremony.

“Yeah, we’re changing our name to Videohead,”

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Diet Earth: The Earth is Too Fat

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh, the corner of the globe. A place where everyone knows your name. A small town. A place where nine out of ten scientists are saying what we’ve all known all along.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

David Lee Roth Looks Like Steve Martin

By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – Van Halen fans watching the band’s just-released video with singer David Lee Roth for the song Tattoo, have been scratching themselves more than usual this week, as many were noticing that Roth now bears a striking resemblance to comedian Steve Martin.

“Well, the reason for that is quite obvious to me at least,” quipped Republican U.S. presidential candidate Ron Paul,76.

Oh, and why is that?

“That’s because he is Steve Martin.”

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Nietzsche’s New Sex Tape!

By Daemon Mailer, HELSINKI – Internet users breathed a heavy sigh of Internet relief this morning at news that the Obama Administration and governments around the globe will allow German philosopher Nietzsche’s new sex tape to stream a little longer.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments