Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times

Jean Claude Van Damme To Join Van Halen

By DJ Salinger, PARIS – Ah, Paris! Paris in the spring. What can one say about Paris? Only, it isn’t spring, and so far, to be be frank, almost all that’s been written about this golden city on the Seine is unreadable.

Unless you speak French.

Posted in Latest Brutality, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Top Three Ways To Tell if Your Partner Wants an Open Relationship

By Coco Nostradamus, TORONTO –
Hey guys, time to put your winter boots on and help yourself to another sandwich. Everybody got their coffees? OK. If you were born on this date, you might want to take a look at the following before making any big decisions this week involving you or a partner in your life:

Posted in Philosophy Sluts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Obama Romney Presidential Debate: The Director’s Cut

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Jim, can they – can the American people hear us right now?
MR. LEHRER: What is the difference?
MR. ROMNEY: Well —
MR. LEHRER: Let’s just say they can see your arms flapping around but they have no idea what you’re saying.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

My Feet Hurt

By Roger Talock, Special to The Brutal Times, MILWAUKEE – My feet hurt.
Know why?
From walkin’ ’round all the time!
Yeah, no, and what’s more is you can’t even bring it up no more.
Feet are killin’ you?
That’s too bad, my boy.
No one wants to give my feet story the time of day.

Until today.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Radiohead Change Name to Videohead

By DJ Salinger, LONDON – As London gets ready for the Olympics, shoppers were shocked to learn that long-time fellow Londoners and Deepresso artists, Radiohead will change their name to time with the August Opening Ceremony.

“Yeah, we’re changing our name to Videohead,”

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Diet Earth: The Earth is Too Fat

By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh, the corner of the globe. A place where everyone knows your name. A small town. A place where nine out of ten scientists are saying what we’ve all known all along.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

David Lee Roth Looks Like Steve Martin

By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – Van Halen fans watching the band’s just-released video with singer David Lee Roth for the song Tattoo, have been scratching themselves more than usual this week, as many were noticing that Roth now bears a striking resemblance to comedian Steve Martin.

“Well, the reason for that is quite obvious to me at least,” quipped Republican U.S. presidential candidate Ron Paul,76.

Oh, and why is that?

“That’s because he is Steve Martin.”

Posted in Exclusive! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Nietzsche’s New Sex Tape!

By Daemon Mailer, HELSINKI – Internet users breathed a heavy sigh of Internet relief this morning at news that the Obama Administration and governments around the globe will allow German philosopher Nietzsche’s new sex tape to stream a little longer.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

For Lefties, the Right Hand is ‘The Stranger’

By El Toro, with DJ Salinger contributing, IOWA – Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Morning Person Pisses Everyone Off

By Owen Richardson, Special to The Brutal Times, KANSAS – Morning people. Who makes them? God, probably. But as time goes on, can we really be so sure? When we cross paths with a morning person after a long night of self-abuse and injurious introspection are we really so well-advised to defer to that person, saying things like, “Uh-huh,” and “Yes, I was listening,” and “Top of the day to you, too, Squire.”?

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments