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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
New Brahms Album Spoilers Rock Cafe Society
By DJ Salinger, BERLIN – Say the name Brahms and what comes to mind? Brahms, probably. But for die hard Brahms fans, the name Brahms has become synonymous with some of the world’s filthiest curse words.
Know why?
Brahms hasn’t put out an album since 1897.
Two Monks Go Into a Starbucks
By Yves Dropper, The Holy City of Toronto, COLLEGE N’ ST. GEORGE STARBUCKS – So, two monks go into a Starbucks, sit down n’ bitch.
Joined in progress -
Mom Hates it When Kids Get Crumbs on the Table
By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Mom hates it when kids get crumbs on the table.
Know why?
Mom’s had a long hard day and when she gets home she doesn’t need the aggravation.
Posted in Grande Chef Otto
Tagged bummers, but that's exactly what i like about it, child-rearing tales, grand chef otto, iPad 2, kids, larger than Donald Trump's head, mom doesn't need the aggravation, mom hates it when kids get crumbs on the table, the brutal times, trying to stay cool at all times
4 Comments
TSA: From Now On Only Good-looking Passengers Will Have Their Bags Handled
By El Toro, NEWARK – Newark, it sounds like New York, but it’s not. One of a number of busy U.S. hubs where people are petted down, Newark boasts long line-ups and stinky bathrooms.
Posted in Featured Brutality
Tagged accidental airlines, dangers of airline travel, el toro, facebook, finding a dime bag in an old running shoe, girl's bathroom, mingers, pert swedish airline industry insiders, subs, the biblical figure solomon, the brutal times, the war on terror is over, the weary airline traveller, TSA: from now on only good-looking passengers will have their bags handled, twitter, ugly betty, vuvuzela, will i am
5 Comments
Who’ll be Canada’s next Cock Blocker?: Master Debate Director’s Cut
By The Serge, TORONTO – U.S. President Barack Obama must have been kicking himself yesterday for his poorly-timed announcement celebrating the capture of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. TV and Internet viewers quickly cut away from Obama’s speech last night to watch previously unreleased highlights of Canaduh’s federal election master debate, held…maybe last week sometime. The master debate heavily factors in to most Canadians decision to elect the tiny country’s next leader, known traditionally by the honorific, “Cock Blocker”.
Posted in Canaduh
Tagged barack obama, canadian federal election 2011, Canaduh, giles duceppe, jack lauton, michael ignatieff, osama bin laden, star wars, stephen harper, the addams family, the brutal times, the munsters, who'll be canada's next cock blocker?: master debate director's cut
2 Comments
Obama’s Bin Laden is Dead Speech: The Director’s Cut
By Styles Cradgerock,WASHINGTON – Vital edutainment from U.S. President Barack Obama’s speech last night, confirming the death of Osama bin Laden was accidentally left on the White House cutting room floor, The Brutal Times has learned. The following is a Director’s Cut of the entire speech, with the president’s original 2008 campaign personality faithfully reassembled by fans old enough to remember.
Exclusive: Top Models Stay Thin by Snorting Cocaine
By Smia Oots, Tokyo, GASPANIC SHIBUYA – Tokyo town criers sent tremors through this already much shock-rocked city early this morning when they confirmed what everybody already knew all along.
Top models in Tokyo, Bahrain, and Moscow are staying thin by snorting cocaine.
Posted in Business Jesus
Tagged 000 millisieverts of cocaine per hour, 50, Business Jesus, exclusive: top models stay thin by snorting cocaine, fluffer, gaspanic shibuya, jay-Z.my goodies, julian assange jeans, millisieverts, playboy mansion cooties, professor rant foaming, the brutal times, tokyo, vuvuzelas
2 Comments
Frankenband Spring: Billy Corgan Quits Smashing Pumpkins
By DJ Salinger, DEMOCRATIC PEOPLES’ REPUBLIC OF IKEA – Billy Corgan, founding father of Green Day and the Smashing Pumpkins, quit the Smashing Pumpkins yesterday, after fans complained the band’s Ikea performance was “about as exciting as waiting for a bus.”
500-year-old Book is Really Boring
By El Toro, PITTSBURGH – A 500-year-old book somebody found here the other day is really boring sources are telling the Brutal Times this morning.
“I didn’t even open the book – just looking at it made me drool all over myself,”
Posted in Highlighted Brutality
Tagged 500-year-old book is really boring, el toro, indiana jones' poop chute, inspired to rap on a bus, it made me drool all over myself, julian assange, osama bin laden, philosophy students, pittsburgh, professor rant foaming, radiohead vs kid rock, roy kesey at mcsweeney's, the brutal times
3 Comments
Starbucks Customer Gives Staff Explosive Royal Snuberoo
By Yves Dropper, Toronto, COLLEGE STREET STARBUCKS –
YOUNG FRIENDLY FEMALE STAFF MEMBER (sweeping up trash gathered at the Brutal Times galoshes):