My New Year Resolution: I Want Oprah’s Boobs

By Yana, (Special to The Brutal Times) SANTA MONICA – I don’t know about you, but in my social circle all the huffing and puffing around Oprah Winfrey’s boobs has consumed most of my winter holiday. People just could not – I mean could not leave Oprah’s boobs alone.

Case in point – my Uncle Ralph. As I’m basting the turkey, which as you know requires focus and concentration, Ralphie walks into to the pantry with a beer in his hand and a copy of People magazine waving a picture of Oprah at me. “Yana, you gotta check out this woman’s boobies,” he’s tellin’ me. “I am just mad for such kind of boobies,” he’s sayin’.

And naturally all my female friends and any shows on the tv are going on about it too. I guess everybody thinks this woman’s gazongas are a big deal. Never mind that I have turkeys to baste, a family to feed, and, yes, a graduate thesis on artificial intelligence to write!

But… but then, later when the homestead had cleared out and I was alone in my tanning unit, just touching things up a little before bed, I suddenly had an image – the Navaho Indians call this “an image” of Oprah’s boobs. Only they were my boobs, and they were telling me things – good places to shop, interesting recipes to try out, how to conjure up bad breath spontaneously to get rid of ugly guys, etc.

And this made me stop and think and reconsider Oprah’s boobs.

Perhaps I had been wrong. I took some philosophy classes in college. I remembered what my professor Gerhardt Oots-Schoeder had said before they lead him away into that ambulance. he said “Don’t judge a book by its’ cover,” (although actually because of his mustache it sounded more like “I’ve always wanted to schtoop your mother,” which made the ambulance driver make a mean face).

So, I started to think maybe I should get boobies like Oprah’s before I judge them. And then I’ll know. I’ll know how she feels and how I feel about her feelings and mine. I only hope I can get my boobs up to Oprah-size by the end of ’09. I mean, I do have other things to do.

Oh! That reminds me – I’ve still to write my A.I. thesis! I’ve just finished one vacation and already I feel like I need another.

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One Response to My New Year Resolution: I Want Oprah’s Boobs

  1. shiraz mountbatten says:

    Well-written article and of much interest for a change.