Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times

Interview Schminterbiew

February 10, 2009

By Ghazala Khan (Special to The Brutal Times) TOKYO –

The following interview was conducted by Ghazala Khan of The Pakistani Spectator. It recalls a friendlier, more innocent time when staff members of The Brutal Times could casually gather around the fried chicken dispensor in the BT offices at Shimokitazawa Hills. A time when birds chirped, but not too loudly. Before the layoffs and the name-calling. Two weeks ago.

Posted in Delicious Toppings | Tagged barry hussein, billy, bjork, bloggers, blogging, Business Jesus, daemon mailer, dj salinger, el toro, fried chicken, ghazala khan, Grande Chef Otto, interview, Japan, journalism, marshall stack, ohashi jozu, oprah, pasta la vista, Santa, shimokitazawa, smia oots, ssh...kebab, styles cradgerock, the brutal times, the pakisatni spectator, the serge, tokyo | Leave a comment

Ola! Cuba Is Mucho Zesty!

By Brad Bremner, (Special to the Brutal Times) Cuba, VERADERO –

Someone just fucking shoot me. Seriously, I got wasted on mojitos* and passed out in the sun. (* Cuban beverage containing vitamin A, B12, and powerful intoxicants and properties to enlarge feet and buttocks).

Now I’m lying here basted in fifty dollar sunburn lotion by the bar and I’m just going to stay pissed until either I fuckin’ die or the nightmare ends. They really should warn you about those goddamned minty drinks, don’t you think?

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged Backpackers, commie, cuba, havana, holidays, pool, raspberry beret, ringo starr, scooters, the brutal times, vacation, zesty | Leave a comment

Gore Warns Celebrities Over Lack of Headroom

February 8, 2009

By Barry Hussein, HOUSTON – Nobel prize-winning man Al Gore met with concerned celebrities this morning at Denny’s to discuss the nation’s largest decline of headroom since the 1930’s.

Celebrities, Gore says need headroom more than most because their heads are proven to be more inflated than nobodies, or typical consumers.

“We have to act now,” Gore said.

Posted in Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged 50 Cent, al gore, avril lavigne, barry hussein, brad pitt, britney spears, calypso, celebrities, condoleeza rice, crisis, dennys, facebook, headroom, hollywood, houston, nobel prize, obama, the brutal times | 1 Comment

Seafaring: An Exploration of All Things Nautical

February 6, 2009

By Bertie Rusenstrom, (Special to The Brutal Times), TORONTO – As a young girl growing up in central Saskatchewan, the ocean has always held a fascination for me. Indeed, I felt my heart strings stretched to breaking each time I managed to catch a brief image of a curling surf in the wall of televisions in my father’s occult bookstore.

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Latest Brutality | Tagged all things nautical, calgary, Canaduh, donuts, fish n chips, la donut, ocean, saskatchewan, seafaring, the brutal times, toronto, unsafe bodies of water | 2 Comments

White Guy ‘Likes Rap Music’

January 31, 2009

By DJ Salinger, DES MOINES – Most stories begin with a call in the night. After snacking I’m usually bloated and angry and can just barely summon the will to drag myself into my hammock so it goes without saying that I don’t like to be woken. But this time turned out to be different.

“What now?,” I demanded as I picked up the phone.

My editor at The Brutal Times, El Toro came on the line.

“I know a guy, a white guy,” he said. “He says he likes rap music.”

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Japan | Tagged Des Moines, dj salinger, donut shoppeThe Gap, heroin, hip hop dnace, Japan, Krispy Kreme, rap music, the brutal times, Thinking Man's Rock, white guy, white people | 3 Comments

Cock Blocker Leaves Canada Open for Anarchy

January 22, 2009

By Marshall Stack, TORONTO – As winter whips its icy way through this Eastern Canadian business capital the only thing that can match the plummeting market descent are the near -100 degree C plummeting temps. And the only place to warm your balls may be the nearest local pub.

But wait. Someone is knocking at the door. Could it be – anarchy?

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged anarchy, avril lavigne, canada, canadian hockey, Canaduh, cockblocker, financial crisis, global economic crisis, hockey, ipod touch, marshall stack, motorcycle enthusiast, sum 41, the brutal times, toronto | Leave a comment

Obama: “Our Balls Are To The Wall”

January 21, 2009

By The Serge, WASHINGTON – An estimated two million people braved freezing temps to hear 44th president of the United States Barack Obama be sworn into office in this snow-covered city yesterday. And most of ’em stuck around for a little while after to hear him deliver his first speech as America’s new commander-in-chief.

“These are trying times,” Obama began as onlookers shouted and hollered in agreement. “Our balls are to the wall,” he went on.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged america, balls, barack obama, dr ray goolens, ghostwriting, iphone, joe biden, matt drudge, obama inauguration, plagiarism, Presidential Daily Brief, snowsuit, sweat, the brutal times, the serge, washington, yin yang twins | 2 Comments

I Forgot my Password!

January 20, 2009

Dear Daemon,

I forgot my password.

Can you send me my password?

Kylie

Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer, Featured Brutality | Tagged Ask Daemon Mailer, daemon mailer, mailer daemon, password, the brutal times, yahoo | Leave a comment

Obama Inauguration Spoiler: ‘I’m Celibate’

January 15, 2009

By The Serge, WASHINGTON – President-elect Barack Obama is poised to reveal a new direction for America just days from now.

Among the prominent speaking points in Mr Obama’s inauguration speech will be his official announcement of his celibacy,The Brutal Times has learned.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality | Tagged Add new tag, american idol, barack obama, cats, celibacy, dogs, inauguration speech, obama, spoilers, the brutal times, the serge, washington | Leave a comment

Man Pays Twice For Same Meal

By Smia Oots (with InfoSandwich News Services) SAN FRANCISCO – Reports are everywhere on the Web this morning speculating that a Bay area man has paid twice for the same meal.

The man who is as yet unidentified bears little or some resemblance to reclusive hip hop singing sensation Eminem.

Posted in Featured Brutality, Hollywood Pap | Tagged big dick, eminem, facebook, family budget, food, global economic crisis.depression 2.0, global financial crisis, hip hop, how not to save on meals, ipd touch, ipod touch, meals, philosophy, san francisco, saving, smia oots, the brutal times, young crowd, youtube | 1 Comment