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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
Books are so Boring
Special to the Brutal Times, By Tamara – Books are so boring. Don’t get me wrong – I love books. I grew up around books all my life.
But every time I look at a book it just puts me to sleep.
Posted in Ordinary People
Tagged books, boring, breakfast recipes, cheesegrater, fluffer, gunman, harry potter, krazy glue, losers, microwave, Ordinary People, the brutal times, touching gesture
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Animals to Get Own Internet by 2010
By Smia Oots, LONDON – As members from the G-20 gathered up their satchels and moved their drinks carefully away from table edges and other popular spill zones British Prime Minister Gordon Brown shock-rocked fans with new that animals will get their own Internet by 2010.
“Animals will get their own Internet by 2010,” he said.
Posted in Disco Island
Tagged 2010, animals, G-20, gadgets, gordon brown, ipod, ipod touch, smia oots, technology, the brutal times, the Internet
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Madonna Wants to Adopt a Canadian
By DJ Salinger, TORONTO – Charismatic wall of spunk Canadian Prime Minister Cock Blocker is preparing Team Blocker to deal with Madonna over her rumored plans to adopt a Canadian before summer’s end.
“Le priminister du Canada, Monseiur Cocque Blocquer will not permit such a thing to happen without much money flowing into his secret pants pocket,” insisted Remy LeFontaine, 12.
Smiling Linked to Cancer
By Smia Oots, LONDON – Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies confirmed what most people knew already today when they declared a landmark study on all cancers has linked them to smiling.
“Ya, just don’t smile and you’ll be okay,” confirmed Rom Hatzug, 24, a barista turned molecular biologist due to a typo on his temp resume.
He wasn’t smiling when he said it.
Posted in Sick Bay
Tagged bad taste, cancer, cancer risks, fear-mongering, health, know-it-alls, Sick Bay, smia oots, smiles, smiling, the brutal times
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Oh-oh, Ah-ha Change Name to Uh-huh
By DJ Salinger, SEATTLE – One of the most influential shock-rock groups on the Seattle grunge scene, Ah-ha, have announced plans to change their name to Uh-huh.
Posted in Hollywood Pap
Tagged a-ha, band name changes, dj salinger, ipod, lars ulrich, sammy hagar, seattle, seattle grunge music, the brutal times, Thinking Man's Rock, uh-huh
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Obama’s Icy Stare a Hit with Kids, Seniors
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Members of the Washington press are beside themselves with the new knowledge that America’s first black president Obama is easy to tease.
On Monday when a reporter asked the president about Rags, the top secret pooch who was flown into the White House under the cover of night and so onMr Obama, 47, fixed the reporter, InfoSandwich’s Gary Lobster, with an icy stare.
“As you know, Rags is of topic,” he said.
The icy stare has become a hit with kids and seniors.
Found! Legendary Lost Huey Lewis Album
By DJ Salinger, VANCOUVER – In what could only be described as the fulfillment of any record store clerk’s wildest sexual fantasy, Gavin Forthebream, 30, a part-time cashier at Virgin Records MegaStore found a lone copy of mythical Huey Lewis and The News album “Server Not Found” at tea time on Monday.
“It was on the shelf – in the Huey Lewis and The News section,” Mr Forthebream said, in a not too pleasing voice.
Healthy Pets Live Longer
By Smia Oots, BOSTON – Pet lovers are petting themselves on the back and in some other areas, congratulating themselves on the confirmation of what they’ve known for decades: healthy pets live longer.
Dust Mite Circus Linked to Migraines
By The Serge, MONTREAL – Canada’s famed dust mite circus, Le Cirque du Dust Mite, has suffered a crushing blow today as a landmark Icelandic study has found proof viewing the talented mites can be linked to intense migraine headaches in audience members.
The migraines last for up to 40 years.
Posted in Canaduh
Tagged canada, canada's drinking water, Canaduh, cock blocker, dust mite circus, dust mites, headaches, lawsuits, migraines, montreal, new york english, the brutal times, the serge
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Shocker: You Can See a Girl’s Ass with Low Rider Jeans
By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – Warning: Portions of this article are unfit for those adverse to being shock-rocked. Make sure you’re sitting down before continuing further.
Ready?
Millions of pairs of popular low rider jeans like the type Britney Spears wears are being recalled due to the shocking revelation that the jeans reveal large portions of the wearer’s ass to the viewing public.
Posted in Schadenfreude
Tagged ass crack, britney spears, canada, cock blocker, joaquin phoenix, low rider jeans, mygoodies, schadenfreude, smia oots, the brutal times
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