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Presidential Daily Brief

The same one the President reads before breakfast? Come on. Still. Styles Cradgerock and Barry Hussein report.

McCain to Meet with Nice Iraqi Envoy

By Barry Hussein, UTAH – That guy who lost the presidential election last year, John McCain, will meet with a nice Iraqi envoy at Denny’s this week, according to InfoSandwich News Service reports.

“Yeah, I’m gonna meet – what’s his name? George Thompson, an Iraqi envoy this week and get the lowdown on what the situation on the ground is over there,” McCain said, grinning like it meant something.

“Oh I get it, but what does your grin mean?” I asked the big loser.

Bin Laden Nixes Blu-Ray, Opts for VHS

By Styles Cradgerock, 177 Dusty Meadow Road, PAKISTAN – Classic War on Terror action figure and actual mass murderer Osama bin Laden is alienating younger followers this morning in his hideout with news that “all 2009 al Qaeda videos will be issued on VHS only”.

Nooooooo.

Dad Says Chinese Ship Violated International Law

By Barry Hussein, MACAO – The Internet Machine was abuzz this morning with news that a dad, Roland Hawthe, 22, a barista native to Long Island says that a Chinese ship violated international law.

China has accused the USA of violating international law for sailing sailing away why don’t you take me sailing away i don’t know where I’m goin’ to in Chinese waters.

Cock Blocker Leaves Canada Open for Anarchy

By Marshall Stack, TORONTO – As winter whips its icy way through this Eastern Canadian business capital the only thing that can match the plummeting market descent are the near -100 degree C plummeting temps. And the only place to warm your balls may be the nearest local pub.

But wait. Someone is knocking at the door. Could it be – anarchy?

Bin Laden: Al Qaeda to Cut Part-Timers, Close Schools

By Styles Cradgerock, with Minx Cradgerock , PARIS – As hard times are felt all across the globe due to the worsening of the financial crisis everyone is looking for ways to pinch pennies and froog to the new frugal beat of 2009.

Duh.

Few Want to Touch Obama’s Bulging Stimulus Package

By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Despite his good looks and boyish smile, despite his taste in music (Springsteen) and way with words (“Yes we can”) it appears that fewer and fewer Americans want to touch his bulging stimulus package.

Dark Knight Angered By Presidential ‘Snub’

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.

North Korea to Obama: Give Us Britney Spears

By El Toro, Democracy City, NORTH KOREA – What is it with North Korea? They’re like everybody’s little brother – always clamoring for attention at the worst possible moment. After threatening the good old USA with missiles and plans to build nuclear bombs the tiny island nation ruled by charismatic Kim Jong-Il slipped out of the news for the last few months, giving us all a chance to focus on digesting the fascinating global economic crisis.

Obama Asks Bush to Stay on as President

By El Toro, HONOLULU – Call it a case of daring spontaneity brought on by the soothing sand and sun and sea of a sensational luxury post-election breather. Several stalwart Barack Obama supporters were mildly amused by reports coming out of Honolulu this morning that Mr Obama had met privately at his tasteful beach villa with President Bush and several of his friends.

Oprah’s Boobs ‘Too Hot to Handle’

By El Toro, OHIO – As memory of the three most boring presidential debates in history (excepting 1976’s Jimmy Carter vs himself) fade and pool in globs of earthy muck, word has surfaced through leaked campaign memos that both candidates […]