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Presidential Daily Brief

The same one the President reads before breakfast? Come on. Still. Styles Cradgerock and Barry Hussein report.

Google Alert for Obama:North Korea Trying to Start a Big Fucking War

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Dear President-elect Obama/To Whom it May Concern, It’s great you became the president. I’m looking forward visiting your country some day when I get a free time.

By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.

Neck & Penis Close to Bush, Report Says

By Barry Hussein, LOS ANGELES – Industry fashion plate Neck & Penis have embraced Bush in areas where the majority of others have shied away, according to a new report published by prestigious Caribbean think-tank MyGoodies.

‘I Went Camping with Axl Rose’ Cock Blocker Insists

By Cock Blocker, Honorable Prime Minister du Canada, Special to The Brutal Times, Tender Foot Provincial Park, Northern Ont. CANADA –

So, seriously I know it was him!

I prefer to camp alone because my job is shit and my wife’s a bitch and she hates camping. I like to come out as soon as the locks thaw out enough to get the doors open.

My Friend is Sexting Barack Obama, and He Sexts Back!

By Kaylie, Special to the Brutal Times, BOSTON – My friend Jessie is sexting Barack Obama – and he sexts her back!!! They met online and now everyone around me is pooping their pants cause the gossip is so good!

North Korea Launches Naughty Rocket

By Barry Hussein, PYONGYANG – North Korea got almost no attention from anyone under 5o today when it behaved “very naughtily” and launched an enormous throbbing Taepodong missile rocket thingy into outer space.

“I don’t care about the rocket – it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a juniour college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.

Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.

Obama’s Icy Stare a Hit with Kids, Seniors

By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Members of the Washington press are beside themselves with the new knowledge that America’s first black president Obama is easy to tease.

On Monday when a reporter asked the president about Rags, the top secret pooch who was flown into the White House under the cover of night and so onMr Obama, 47, fixed the reporter, InfoSandwich’s Gary Lobster, with an icy stare.

“As you know, Rags is of topic,” he said.

The icy stare has become a hit with kids and seniors.

McCain to Meet with Nice Iraqi Envoy

By Barry Hussein, UTAH – That guy who lost the presidential election last year, John McCain, will meet with a nice Iraqi envoy at Denny’s this week, according to InfoSandwich News Service reports.

“Yeah, I’m gonna meet – what’s his name? George Thompson, an Iraqi envoy this week and get the lowdown on what the situation on the ground is over there,” McCain said, grinning like it meant something.

“Oh I get it, but what does your grin mean?” I asked the big loser.

Bin Laden Nixes Blu-Ray, Opts for VHS

By Styles Cradgerock, 177 Dusty Meadow Road, PAKISTAN – Classic War on Terror action figure and actual mass murderer Osama bin Laden is alienating younger followers this morning in his hideout with news that “all 2009 al Qaeda videos will be issued on VHS only”.

Nooooooo.

Dad Says Chinese Ship Violated International Law

By Barry Hussein, MACAO – The Internet Machine was abuzz this morning with news that a dad, Roland Hawthe, 22, a barista native to Long Island says that a Chinese ship violated international law.

China has accused the USA of violating international law for sailing sailing away why don’t you take me sailing away i don’t know where I’m goin’ to in Chinese waters.

Cock Blocker Leaves Canada Open for Anarchy

By Marshall Stack, TORONTO – As winter whips its icy way through this Eastern Canadian business capital the only thing that can match the plummeting market descent are the near -100 degree C plummeting temps. And the only place to warm your balls may be the nearest local pub.

But wait. Someone is knocking at the door. Could it be – anarchy?