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Presidential Daily Brief

The same one the President reads before breakfast? Come on. Still. Styles Cradgerock and Barry Hussein report.

General Urko Irked as Obama Picks Petraeus

By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Fearsome warlord General Urko is said to be “quaking with venomous rage” at U.S. president, the American Barack Obama’s choice to pass him over for the plumb position of new commander of U.S. forces in the Afghan humanitarian intervention

Jan Brewer is Dehydrated

By Styles Cradegerock, WASHINGTON – U.S. President, the American Barack Obama, sat down with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently and noticed alarming signs of dyhydration in her face.

“Evian?” he quipped.

“She needs to stay out of the sun, get a big floppy hat and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize,” he went on.

Obama said he understood the governor’s dehydration problem as he “personally struggled with dehydration myself” as a child.

“I..didn’t..get enough water,” he kept talking.

North Korea Accused of Snubbing South at Trendy Cafe

By Styles Cradgerock, SEOUL – People’ve got a tear in their beer over here as former buddies North and South Korea have ceased speaking, emailing , or chatting online. Oh no. Hot sweaty tensions were ratched up and ramped up […]

Iraq Parliamentary Election Spoilers

By Barry Hussein, BAGHDAD – As you find yourself spent from the Olympics and the Academy Awards you’re probably gonna wanna bone up on the key players in this weeks’ exciting Iraqi parliamentary elections. We at the Brutal Times care about your street cred and status as “that cool kid” on your block. So, for all the piping hot spoilers about this year’s democratic vote that time fergot, see below, Joe.

Obama Taps Bush for ‘War on Nature’

By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Coming hot on the heels of his Nobel Peace Prize win, US president Barack Obama has spiced up the biggest humanitarian tragedy thus far in 2010 by tapping his former political rival George W. Bush to head the rescue effort in Haiti, along with former president Bill Clinton.

What what what?!?

US to Declassify more Cute Pet Stories

By Smia Oots, ARLINGTON – US President Barack Obama, fullfilling his campaign promise of more openness in government, ordered this morning that 16 more cute pet stories be released to the public.

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms faster dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.

U.S. Not Leaving Afghanistan, Just ‘Wants to See Other People for Awhile’

By Barry Hussein, KABUL – U.S.A. America defense minister Robert Gates brushed off rapid fire interrogation from town criers gathered at Denny’s yesterday, as they (the criers) demanded to know if the United States (U.S.A America) was leaving Afghanistan as rumored on the street.

“Oh no you guys,” Gates said, “we just want to see other people for awhile.”

A Penetrating Look Inside McCain

By Barry Hussein, TEXAS – Maverick Arizona senator and recent candidate for US president John McCain is hard at work applying the finishing touches to his tell-all campaign trail memoir, “Inside McCain”, due out this Christmas.

After McCain fell asleep last night at his standing desk (that’s right – he sleeps upright) I sneaked round him and by tongs pulled the moist manuscript from a secret location on his person where it had been secretly secreted.

Iran’s Warheads Win Prestigious Design Award

By Styles Cradgerock, IKEA – This thriving, bustling hustling country of 35 million yey-high design mavens and vixens is known been known worldwide as a hotbed of design ever since its yeh-high founder Kronkite Basta, 34 assembled it out of a box and drew oohs and ahs from those standing about.

With IKEA’s 17th annual Basta design awards lurking ahead next Sunday morning at dawn, a disgruntled unpaid intern has leaked news of this year’s winner for Best Nuclear Warhead Design, 2009.

Google Alert for Obama:North Korea Trying to Start a Big Fucking War

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Dear President-elect Obama/To Whom it May Concern, It’s great you became the president. I’m looking forward visiting your country some day when I get a free time.

By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.