By El Toro, OHIO – As memory of the three most boring presidential debates in history (excepting 1976’s Jimmy Carter vs himself) fade and pool in globs of earthy muck, word has surfaced through leaked campaign memos that both candidates may have acted to censor touchy hot-button topics.
“Neither candidate wanted to touch the rain forest and McDonalds’, because they both recognize how yummy McDonalds’ is,” blabbed Jimmy Klay, a part-time intern at the Obama campaign. But even more than that, it seems neither of the candidates wanted to touch Oprah’s boobs.”They’re too hot to handle,” Klay added.
The issue of the exact size of US talk show maven Oprah Winfrey’s gazongas has been an object of intense debate since Ms Winfrey first endorsed Senator Obama for president early in 2008. Then, whipping off her top, Winfrey pumped her fists in the air to the strains of UK shock-rocker Phil Collins’ smash hit “In the Air Tonite” as she frooged the evening away at Chicago’s pricey bistro Shh…Kebab toasting to Mr Obama’s electoral success. Onlookers flooded Internet chat rooms with reports of being “overwhelmed”, “bowled over”, and “stupified” by Winfrey’s enormous boobs.
The McCain campaign famously questioned the weight of the boulder-shaped hot rocks in May, offering Obama a chance to compare them side by side with those of McCain supporter film actress Pamela Anderson.
“Pamela Anderson has, the largest, heaviest boobs in America- full stop,” claimed Helen McAbee, a part-time intern at the McCain campaign, yesterday over hot cocoa. “It’s important that, as Americans, we know our history- independent of race or color,” she added with a fire in her eyes.
Independent observers and every part of the international media support Senator Obama’s claim that, “Well, look- here’s the deal with Oprah’s boobs – when Americans are facing falling home prices AND see their, their savings, what they’ve saved for in 401Ks AND they’re seeing that drop steadily, uh, daily AND, well, I think they’re gonna wanna snuggle on Oprah’s big boobs.”
“I just don’t see myself, after losing my home and possibly my job and seeing my wife with my neighbor and my neighbor’s there watching my tv and all- I just don’t see myself snuggling Pam’s juddflaps,” admitted Rutger Hollingsbach, who has campaigned for Senator McCain since March.
He is not alone.
Farook Klatchel, a 56-year-old retired Naval officer and systems engineer wrastled with the problem of whose boobs over dinner with his extended family, which totals four people, including a man named Henry Greenbottom, 70,whom Klatchel claims not to know.
“McCain says he wants to help the veterans, but he hasn’t said anything about veteran vets or VV’s,who look after animals and get made fun of for that,” said Klatchel, who is smartly-groomed, as is his doggie.
“Uh huh,” agreed Mr Greenbottom, who stood next to Klatchel’s property, but within the court-ordered public boundry of 1.26 meters away from Klatchel’s driveway. “And neither of us’re hot to trot on that Anderson womans tooty-fruities neither,” he added.
In a rare show of agreement, both men selected glossy photos of Ms Winfrey’s boobies as their preference for suckling during tough times.
A transcript of stricken debate questions involving Ms Winfrey’s boobs was provided to The Brutal Times by a source close to moderator Sammy Sams. Actually, it was Samms who gave us the transcript. Here are some highlights, deleted by US television networks before they could reach the tender ears of the voting public:
SAMMS: Now, gentlemen, you both are on record as boob men, am I correct in saying that?
OBAMA & MCCAIN: Oh yah, yah. Ha ha. Funny you should say.
SAMMS: Well Senator Obama, let me start with you. As the potential next President of the United States, who would you say, has the biggest boobs in America?
OBAMA: Well, look- and again, I’ve said this repeatedly, both on and off the campaign, what I’ve said is, is that Ms Winfrey- she, her boobs clearly they cover your vision. They, you can’t see around them. It is truly like, like an eclipse AND that I think is, is what the American people are looking for and I don’t think John McCain is in touch with that need.
SAMMS: Now, now Senator McCain I-
MCCAIN: Heh heh heh, what, what he- what he is saying is not true. Listen, listen what I want to have here is some straight talk. I want to talk straight to the American people. Senator Obama, I think it’s about time that you come clean, come clean with the American people and tell us about your affiliations with-
SAMMS: Very amusing, maverick! But I’d like to steer you two back to the issue of Ms Winfrey’s boobs here, which, as the media keeps reminding us is the number one issue being searched on the Internet machine- behind how to get rid of mold and learning how to play oboe.
MCCAIN: Heh heh heh.
OBAMA: Well, look-