By Styles Cradgerock, with Minx Cradgerock , PARIS – As hard times are felt all across the globe due to the worsening of the financial crisis everyone is looking for ways to pinch pennies and froog to the new frugal beat of 2009.
So it may come as no surprise that even sexy super-asshole & terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden is pulling up his tube socks and micromanaging the day to day affairs of his shadowy global terrorist organization.
“The cuts are coming, and they are going to be painful,” says long-time Bin-Laden associate Troy Barnes, 36. “Al Qaeda is going to have to close a number of its schools – Yemen, Sudan, – these are all going to go,” he said, speaking under condition of anonymity.
Schools in oil-rich Saudi Arabia may also be affected. Cash raised from oil revenues is falling short for photocopying hate literature pamphlets and other teaching materials as more and more folks skip a night or two out in the family auto and watch YouTube at home together instead.
“Usually we have the funds available so we can print full-color racial and religious stereotypes in the materials to give the children a clear picture of the target,” lamented Melanie Vistek, 30, a part-time teacher in Riyadh. “But this year I’ll have to draw them all myself by hand,” she went on.
“Actually these teachers who are part-time my also be reducted,” confided Bin Laden associate Barnes. “Even members who have been with the organization for years are going to see changes in their pension schemes,” he added.
Out of the 2,671 registered members of Al Qaeda, over half are part-time and have other jobs which they rely on to support their interest in killing innocent people. Of these many hope some day to become full-time members, but although the promotion comes with a higher salary and dental it also features a downside as most full-time staff are required to work as suicide bombers.
“I know the stereotype out there is that like everybody in Al Queda is stupid or something,” said Al Qaeda member Heather Mitchum, 29. “But we did see where it was going – with all the part-time people having to blow themselves up just after they got promoted, and we addressed that,” she added.
Members in at least four nations started a union to protect those coming up for promotion.
“Things were held back by union demands – not just about not wanting to blow themselves up but – oh, you wouldn’t believe some of the things these people wanted,” complained Al Qaeda lieutenant Jar Jar Binks when he was asked about the issue by CNN’s Anderson Cooper last May.
“They wanted to de-stress mostly,” says Barry Hussein, who is Chief Political Affairs Columnist at The Brutal Times and an expert on chief political affairs. “And this lead to demands from members in connection with this purpose.”
Things began to go awry in the labor department apparently when Al Qaeda unionized members stumbled upon an improperly-edited videotape.
“It began actually in 2002 when at the end of one of Bin Laden’s videotapes – I think it’s the one where he’s talking about jihad against Baffin Island – he made the mistake of leaving in some film of him working out,” Hussein explains. “Followers saw the expensive Whirlahoop 3000 he was using and they all instantly demanded the union give them one.”
The Whirlahoop 3000, produced exclusively for fugitive charismatic wackos by Japan’s BB FunCorp costs over $67,000 US dollars to produce, not including shipping.
Some people think it’s pricey.
Bin Laden was incensed by the demands, and angry as well. But he relented and due to the time to place and fill orders of the 30 ton exercise units he scaled back his terror plans and was mostly occupied with studying Japanese English in order to translate the manuals of the Whirlahoops.
“But those Whirlahoops are going up for sale eventually – you can bet,” says Qaeda member Melanie Vistek. “But before that it’s our jobs and schools that are going to feel the pinch first,” she predicted.