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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
Guns N’ Roses Change Name to N’
By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – This city of Angels, made popular by the once popular Red Hot Chili Peppers, was shock-rocked late this afternoon when Horace the town crier, who has replaced the LA Times as the most-often consulted news source, cried “GN’R change name to N’, GN’R change name to N'”.
Japan Gives Iran 9 Volcanoes
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Just as Barack Obama America’s first black president has offered Iran “a new day” via his personal VHS videotape message to Iran’s president Saddam Hussein, Japan, the world’s second superpower is giving Iran nine volcanoes on Tuesday.
“Japan, one of our most ah steadfast uh allies – in the fight to ah, to really get things turned around over there ah in Iran, has ah to the best of our knowledge, ah promised to deliver those volcanoes before breakfast to ah Mr Hussein,” Mr Obama commented via his Blackberry text machine.
Posted in Iraq, Japan
Tagged barack obama, black berry, iran, iran-us relations, Japan, ohashi jozu, Presidential Daily Brief, saddam hussein, the brutal times, vhs, volcano, volcanoes
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Got Allergies? Try Charles Manson’s Cookie Diet
By Grande Chef Otto, LOS ANGELES – A lot of people I know are suffering from allergies these days – hay fever, peanut butter, claustrophobia and arachnophobia being at the top of the list.
But a nifty new diet developed by charismatic California convict Charles Manson is headed straight to your cuisine rescue, courtesy of Japanese impressario Matsumoto Boy and his casually-dressed office tower full of plebes and flunkies.
The product? Charles Manson’s cookie diet.
Posted in Grande Chef Otto
Tagged allergies, bbfun corp, california prison system, charles manson, claustrophobia, cookie diet, cookies, delicious cuisine, Grande Chef Otto, justice, los angeles, matsumoto boy, millions in bonuses, peanut allergyarachnophobia, the 60's, the brutal times
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What’s Joaquin Phoenix Eating?
By Connie Roe, Special to the Brutal Times, BUFFALO – Hey Brutal Times, I was wondering. You got that Chef Otto, right? Could you ask him what Joaquin Phoenix is eating these days?
Boy, I think that guy has problems! He’s gotta be eating something downright strange. That would account for his wacky behavior on all those shows.
Friday the 13th: the Book Was Better
By Shane Butter, TOKYO – Oh god, how I was so looking forward to the new Friday the 13th movie. I read the book last summer during reading week as a break from grading my philosophy grad student papers, and when I heard they were gonna make a movie outta the thing I pooped my pants!
Posted in Stories For Bottoms
Tagged canada's barack obama, cock blocker, crow's feet, friday the 13th, friday the 13th 2009, horror movies, jack black, jason voorhees, laugh lines, machete, maldives, michael bay, pulitzer prize-winners, sake, stephen harper, sushi, the book was better, the brutal times, tokyo
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My Favorite Show’s Not On
By Lorraine Le Blanc, Special to The Brutal Times – When I come home from work I fix myself and my husband Marcus a delicious meal from online recipes I download straight into my range.
It’s a hell of a job and by the time I’m done I’m drenched in rank sweat and there’s sauce pretty much everywhere, even up my nose once in January with that chicken ala king.
But what’s really my saving grace is after, sitting down to enjoy American Idol.
Posted in Ordinary People
Tagged american idol, disco, favorite shows, Ordinary People, pasta, the brutal times, tv, tv guide
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Bin Laden Nixes Blu-Ray, Opts for VHS
By Styles Cradgerock, 177 Dusty Meadow Road, PAKISTAN – Classic War on Terror action figure and actual mass murderer Osama bin Laden is alienating younger followers this morning in his hideout with news that “all 2009 al Qaeda videos will be issued on VHS only”.
Nooooooo.
Batman Fires Robin
By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY – The tentacles of the global economic crisis, or GECK as it is lovingly known by fans, have finally reached Gotham City itself, and into the Louis Vuitton pocketbook of the Batman himself.
Commissioner Gordon announced through his FaceBook homepage that “Batman has fired Robin,” effective as of 4pm this Tuesday March 10.
Posted in Special Report
Tagged batman, captain america, facebook, fired, global financial crisis, jobless, new york, obama, robin, smia oots, the brutal times, the falcon
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1979 Commission Rules ‘Punk’s not Dead’
By DJ Salinger, WASHINGTON – Music fans around the globe are rejoicing in news that one of rock’s most treasured genres – that of “punk rock” has been officially declared “very much alive” by a bi-partisan Congressional Commission which had been studying the issue on weekends since 1983.
I Need my Coffee
By Deborah Haines, Special to The Brutal Times, BALTIMORE – I need my coffee. It’s so hard to focus on all the data that I have to punch into PC at the office (I’m a data entry professional). The first thing I do when I get into the office at 8:13am every morning is uncork my jumbo Starbucks tumbler (I call him Iron Man) and pour myself out a healthy dollop of swirling burbly black teeth rot.
Posted in Japan, Latest Brutality
Tagged baltimore, coffee, data entry, GM, good housekeeping, google, hotmail, iron man, kfc, needs, Ordinary People, pc, semi-conductors, starbucks, the brutal times
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