My Favorite Show’s Not On

By Lorraine Le Blanc, Special to The Brutal Times – When I come home from work I fix myself and my husband Marcus a delicious meal from online recipes I download straight into my range.

It’s a hell of a job and by the time I’m done I’m drenched in rank sweat and there’s sauce pretty much everywhere, even up my nose once in January with that chicken ala king.

But what’s really my saving grace is after, sitting down to enjoy American Idol.

It’s my favorite show!

But then sometimes it’s not on and in those dark times my blood boils like hot hot arabiatta spaghetti sauce.

It reaches temperatures of 135 degrees.

Let me give you an example of happy times when my show’s on:

MARCUS: Hey honey, is din-din ready yet? You know your favorite show’s                            about to come on.

ME: Oh yeah, babe. Comin’ right up – all hot and zesty.

MARCUS: Awesome babe.

ME: (setting down the solid gold serving bowl and the communal crystal spoon we use to feed each other) Yeah, I know.

Then the show comes on and sweet memories are made.

But.

The other night someone moved my motherfucking cheese sorry to swear:

MARCUS: Hey honey, is din-din ready yet? You know your favorite show’s about to come on.

ME: Oh yeah, babe. Comin’ right up – all hot and zesty.

MARCUS: Awesome babe.

ME: (setting down the solid gold serving bowl and the communal crystal spoon we use to feed each other) Yeah, I know.

MARCUS: That’s funny, it looks like tonight instead of American Idol there’s…an investigative report special on Karl Rove’s testimony against himself.

ME: Eh?

MARCUS: Well, hey – what the hell, huh?

ME: How about I ram that fucking tv down your throat?

MARCUS: Honey…

ME: Gimme that fucking tv guide. Are you sure you..?

MARCUS: Here you go. It’s the right channel you can –

ME: I am going to…fucking motherfucking explode!

MARCUS: It’s –

ME: I work so goddamned hard to see that this family…gets…an enjoyable meal.

MARCUS: Honey…

ME: You should have checked the tv guide earlier. You should have checked it and then I could have gone out and walked around and I would have stayed out all night and made dinner for tomorrow night and then I never would have known and –

MARCUS: Lorre –

ME: I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD THIS PAIN!!!!!!!

MARCUS: Yes master.

So, I get bent out of shape when my show’s not on. My bad. But it’s such a great show. I like all the songs and the colored lights a flashing and the boom boom boom of the throbbing disco beat.

It really turns me on.