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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
‘I Love Barbie’ Says 5-Year-Old Boy
By Yves Dropper, Special to The Brutal Times, TORONTO – As Toronto spreads its broken wings and learns to fly this was a moment that was only waiting to arrive.
My Face is Lacking in Primary Oils
By Brenda Vitnower, Special to The Brutal Times – My face is lacking in primary oils. But it’s so oily due to my unbalanced diet and upbringing.
Let me explain.
Posted in Ordinary People
Tagged circling crows, fridge, gone, life choices, mcdonald's, Ordinary People, primary oils, skin care, the brutal times, unbalanced diets
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Reality is Worse than TV
By Daemon Mailer, NEW YORK CITY – Millions of Americans are apologizing this morning to their long-suffering tv sets as a landmark report issued in the wee hours is confirming what everybody already knew:
Reality is worse than tv.
Why The Beatles Broke Up
By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – I met Ringo in a bar. He told me why The Beatles broke up:
“I was bored, basically.”
Old People Live Longer
By El Toro, WASHINGTON – As Barack Obama America’s first president gears up to give all Americans universal health care, folks are leaning back in their chairs and on the couch to consider the results of a prestigious 60 year study that proves what most of us already knew:
Old people live longer.
“Old people, live longer than young people, ” said Tim Barnes, an unpaid intern at MyGoodies, a multi-billi0n-gazillion dollar tentacles around the world.
Man Who Thinks He’s Funny, Isn’t
By Smia Oots, TORONTO – As sub zero temps blast through this sub-standard city of 17,000 tongues were wagging with a new-found consensus that seemed poised to derail the confidence of at least one Greater Toronto man.
A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.
Posted in Stories For Bottoms
Tagged billy, canadian poetry, clutches, comedy, japanese english, ray goolens, reality check, satan, smia oots, the brutal times, twits
1 Comment
Tomb of the Unknown Session Musician Found Under Phil Spector’s House
By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – Despite the general lack of interest, spell-binding stories keep surfacing regarding sensational superstar pop music producer Phil Spector, now imprisoned for murder inside the seaside Sing Sing prison.
Tuesday, a local L.A. lad appeared to have discovered a bottomless tomb under Spector’s mammoth residence/studio.
“I crawled under there looking for my baseball and I think I found a tomb full of unknown session musicians,” the boy, Darryl RJ Dennison, 37, said.
Libraries are Killing the Internet
By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco, home of the Whopper, pizza, the iPod Touch and the Internet. Its citizens are full of themselves.
Ask them for directions and receive the snub of a lifetime.
“We’re the greatest,” says Pauline Faine, 10, a barista in the trendy Haight-Ashbury stoner district.
But now something else San Francisco invented is killing the Internet: Libraries.
Posted in Disco Island, Exclusive!
Tagged barista, daemon mailer, goldman sachs, haight-ashbury, ipod touch, libraries, pizza, san francisco, the brutal times, the Internet, the whopper, union square
1 Comment
Neil Young Nude Challenges, Disappoints
By DJ Salinger, VERMONT – 517,9876 fans gathered here on the eroding muddy banks of what was once merely a disenchanted unmarried farmer’s spinach farm to hear acts as diverse as Mozart Jr., to Venom and Neil Young (from Canada).
The 167th annual KISSS-FM New Horizons Festa, sponsored by homegrown ristorante Ssh…Kebab, featured special additions to this year’s programme that shocked some.
Neil Young performed nude.
Posted in Exclusive!, Thinking Man's Rock
Tagged abba, avril lavigne, barista, clear channel, dj salinger, good morning america, lady gaga, michael jackson, mozart jr, neil young, neil young nude, nirvana, nude, ssh...kebab, the beatles, the brutal times, the strokes, Thinking Man's Rock, unplugged, venom, we are the world
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Nice Guy Turns Out to Be a Dick
Special to The Brutal Times, By Tammy Glynne, TAMPA – Finally, after years of searching, I thought I’d met the perfect mate – Brad Jackson, 25, great body, hair on his head a big fat bank account.
Heck, he even threw the occasional compliment my way.
“Babe, you’ve got great tits,” he said one day by the pool.
I thought he was such a nice guy.