Warm Topic Archives: Thinking Man’s Rock

Found! Legendary Lost Huey Lewis Album

By DJ Salinger, VANCOUVER – In what could only be described as the fulfillment of any record store clerk’s wildest sexual fantasy, Gavin Forthebream, 30, a part-time cashier at Virgin Records MegaStore found a lone copy of mythical Huey Lewis and The News album “Server Not Found” at tea time on Monday.

“It was on the shelf – in the Huey Lewis and The News section,” Mr Forthebream said, in a not too pleasing voice.

Posted in Stories For Bottoms | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Guns N’ Roses Change Name to N’

By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES – This city of Angels, made popular by the once popular Red Hot Chili Peppers, was shock-rocked late this afternoon when Horace the town crier, who has replaced the LA Times as the most-often consulted news source, cried “GN’R change name to N’, GN’R change name to N'”.

Posted in Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

1979 Commission Rules ‘Punk’s not Dead’

By DJ Salinger, WASHINGTON – Music fans around the globe are rejoicing in news that one of rock’s most treasured genres – that of “punk rock” has been officially declared “very much alive” by a bi-partisan Congressional Commission which had been studying the issue on weekends since 1983.

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

White Guy ‘Likes Rap Music’

By DJ Salinger, DES MOINES – Most stories begin with a call in the night. After snacking I’m usually bloated and angry and can just barely summon the will to drag myself into my hammock so it goes without saying that I don’t like to be woken. But this time turned out to be different.

“What now?,” I demanded as I picked up the phone.

My editor at The Brutal Times, El Toro came on the line.

“I know a guy, a white guy,” he said. “He says he likes rap music.”

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

U2 Popular in Irish Pub

By DJ Salinger, BROOKLYN – It’s a Tuesday night and as usual the dance floor is cluttered with couples each engaged in various stages of groping as prescribed in that ancient mystical text, the Kama Sutra.

Posted in Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

North Korea to Obama: Give Us Britney Spears

By El Toro, Democracy City, NORTH KOREA – What is it with North Korea? They’re like everybody’s little brother – always clamoring for attention at the worst possible moment. After threatening the good old USA with missiles and plans to build nuclear bombs the tiny island nation ruled by charismatic Kim Jong-Il slipped out of the news for the last few months, giving us all a chance to focus on digesting the fascinating global economic crisis.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Chinese Democracy Bail-out to Cost $986 Billion

As details of the Democrats’ 1 trillion dollar budget request continue to leak out the president-elect has been mulling the final touches of what amounts to the priciest financial bail-out plan made in US political history.

Posted in Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Senator…Madonna? New Yorkers Want Material Girl to Run

As CNN persists in its coverage of that boring Gaza invasion by Israel, center of the Earth, New York City is all hopped up and ready over what everyone here all ready knows is really 2009’s top story: the effort to draft Madonna as New York’s new senator.

Posted in Hollywood Pap, Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

George Lucas to Shoot Chinese Democracy Videos

George Lucas is ready to rumble. Locked and loaded with energy after the stunning success of his latest act of self-sabotage Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, the gruff-as-ever Lucas confirmed Monday that he is slated to direct the first of seven videos from Guns N’ Roses fresh out the oven Chinese Democracy album.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

McCartney’s Suicide Wings Stun Fans

By DJ Salinger, LONDON- Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney’s new musical project was unveiled to stunned shoppers strolling the streets of London’s trendy Piccadilly Circus Thursday as the bearded bassist growled and glared his way through a seventeen minute set […]

Posted in Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments