Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times

General Urko Irked as Obama Picks Petraeus

By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – Fearsome warlord General Urko is said to be “quaking with venomous rage” at U.S. president, the American Barack Obama’s choice to pass him over for the plumb position of new commander of U.S. forces in the Afghan humanitarian intervention

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My Pony Tail is Killing Me

By Zack Peters, Special To The Brutal Times – As a long-haired white man I face a lot of discrimination, both in the workplace and from folks on the bus and in my own home.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Anarchy Condos Under Seige in Toronto

By Smia Oots, THE HOLY CITY OF TORONTO – Anarchists dressed in eye-numbing colored jumpsuits, bathing trunks and business attire hurled themselves against each other and their own underground condo, Toronto’s fashionable Queen’s Quay residence, The Anarchy Condos At No Fixed Address

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Jan Brewer is Dehydrated

By Styles Cradegerock, WASHINGTON – U.S. President, the American Barack Obama, sat down with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently and noticed alarming signs of dyhydration in her face.

“Evian?” he quipped.

“She needs to stay out of the sun, get a big floppy hat and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize,” he went on.

Obama said he understood the governor’s dehydration problem as he “personally struggled with dehydration myself” as a child.

“I..didn’t..get enough water,” he kept talking.

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North Korea Accused of Snubbing South at Trendy Cafe

By Styles Cradgerock, SEOUL – People’ve got a tear in their beer over here as former buddies North and South Korea have ceased speaking, emailing , or chatting online. Oh no. Hot sweaty tensions were ratched up and ramped up […]

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My Sister’s Too Pushy

Special to the Brutal Times, By Pam Haley – My sister’s too pushy. Boy, when she wants something, she’s the first one to tell ya. Like the other day, she calls me up on my mobular telephone and without even asking me how my day’s going or asking me about my probs, she’s asking if I can come over and feed her kid and talk to her husband about his impotence again.

Posted in Latest Brutality | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Japanese Man Uses Hairdryer To Dry His Balls

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – Recently more and more I work to rid my body of flabs and to become macho for the summertime. Day after day night after day I slide myself to the pricey gym where I don tights and perch upon a stationary bicyclette. The sweat gushes from every pore squirting on everything. After ‘cising I got to get my shower on. After that one is left the one remaining task before ejecting onto a Shibuya street literally littered with rats: to dry one’s body so clearly.

Posted in Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Iraq Parliamentary Election Spoilers

By Barry Hussein, BAGHDAD – As you find yourself spent from the Olympics and the Academy Awards you’re probably gonna wanna bone up on the key players in this weeks’ exciting Iraqi parliamentary elections. We at the Brutal Times care about your street cred and status as “that cool kid” on your block. So, for all the piping hot spoilers about this year’s democratic vote that time fergot, see below, Joe.

Posted in Iraq, Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Clones Ruffle Identical Twins’ Feathers

By Smia Oots, HOLLYWOOD – As more and more clones move into the neighborhood and take jobs belonging to identical twins a growing echo of whining is spirally out of control in online chat rooms and some of the worst-kept public rest rooms in the city.

“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.

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Nobel Peace Prize Spoiler: And the Winner is…Roland Emmerich!

By Santa, THE HAGUE – Rudolf told me the other day who’s gonna get the Nobel Peace Prize this year in 2010. Both Donner and Blitzen had pestered Rudolf about this for weeks but he refused them and came to me, Santa, properly maintaining protocol.

Oh,you already know who the winner’s gonna be because the editor of the Brutal Times spoiled it by putting it in the headline?

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