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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
Straight Man To Play Gay Man in Movie
By The Serge, HOLLYWOOD NORTH – Movie fans are famous for complaining that the producers of Hollywood’s biggest films have long since run out of ideas, but as the major studios get ready to battle at the box office this Halloween they may do well to hold onto their tongues and get ready for an explosion of creative juices, the likes the silver screen has never seen before.
Paul: “Beatles Were an Hoax”
By D.J. Salinger, BALTIMORE – Wiping his hands on the brim of his skintight jeans, Beatles’s front man Paul McCartney shocked a bunch of loitering black bloc anarchists patiently waiting for a bus, when he whispered at them, “I’ve got something that’ll really flip your lids, lads – The Beatles were an hoax.”
I’m Too Tired to Cook
By Karl Hame III, Special to The Brutal Times – When I get home from life on the road I don’ t want to talk to nobody and I just keep wishin’ I was back in ‘Nam.
Wait – no, that’s not it at all.
I’m a kids mom, and when I get home from school I’m too tired to cook.
Posted in Ordinary People
Tagged boiled eggs, cooking, I'm too tired to cook, kids mom, nam, Ordinary People, scars, the brutal times, the economy
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The Geddy Leesa “Lost, Missing or Stolen”
By DJ Salinger, THE LOUVRE – Some people are caring this morning, as the prog rock art world’s most valuable sparkly treasure, the Geddy Leesa, has been reported lost, missing or stolen by its troll minder.
Satan to become CNN’s New Gadget Specialist
By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST – In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN’s go-to gadget guy. After selling his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan “so many times it really ruffled my feathers,” according to the Big Red One himself.
J.R.R. Tolkien Wrote a Book about Onion Rings
By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny’s say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings.
“First of all, it’s not ‘Hogwarts – it’s Middle Earth,” whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. “What’s more is the genious who created Middle Earth, J.R.R Tolkien, was also secretly a lover of fast food,” she went on, not blinking.
Embassy Staff Disappointed Mysterious White Powder Not Cocaine
By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV – Canadian Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine.
“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.
Espresso, Lattes, Rats!
By Ohashi Jozo, SHIMOKITAZAWA HILLS – Shimokitazawa, Tokyo. The summer of the American hipster. Blacky oversized chunky Williamsburger glasses leap from face to face, sucking all the shopping value out of a young Japonaise girl’s face and replacing it with…Ugly Betty!
Espresso, Lattes, Rats!
Hold the Lettuce: Afghan War Spoilers!
By Styles Cradgerock, YOUR MOMMA – Yes, thundercat! Weekend war watchers all over the world (Florida?) are pee-oh’d this morning to find that WikiLeaks has leaked a whole slewload of spoilers aspoiling how the bumpin’ Afghan intervention is gonna end
Millions Misspell ‘Flotilla’ as ‘Tortilla’ When Sexting
By Daemon Mailer, THE INTERNET – Millions have manned up this morning to misspelling “flotilla”, a lay term meaning “floating tortilla”, as “tortilla”, a land-bound Mexican delicacy served at Taco Bell.
The misspellings occured mainly during sexting.