Hold the Lettuce: Afghan War Spoilers!

By Styles Cradgerock, YOUR MOMMA – Yes, thundercat!  Weekend war watchers all over the world (Florida?) are pee-oh’d this morning to find that WikiLeaks has leaked a whole slewload of spoilers aspoiling how the bumpin’ Afghan intervention is gonna end.

Among the bombshells dropped by Wiki:

Osama Bin Laden is Afghan President Hamid Karzai (that guy who always wears the same hat like Bono always wears the same sunglasses and who used to be a CIA agent and who looks like Ben Kingsley and Ghandi when Ben Kingsley played him in the movie Ghandi and so on).

Brutal Times Recommendation: Bag Karzai, stat.

Obama Administration Rebuttal: “We would caution that although bagging Karzai may offer short-term satisfaction and satiate some BT readers’ thirst for vengeance, we ask that those same readers remember Afghanistan is a soverign nation and just because we invaded it doesn’t mean we can go running about doing whatever we like.”

After the U.S. jets next month (August 2010), sexual outlaw and soft-spoken Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr shall smote any remaining enemies Snoop Doggy Dogg-style and merge Iraq with Shiite Iran. If August prove to be inconvenient a rain date is set for September.

BT Recommendation: Root beer summit, pronto. Chips, dip…

Obama Admin Rebut: “Although a root beer summit with Al-Sadr may seem enticing…”

Bombshell regarding insurgents!

The insurgents, taking off their masks, turn out to be the same boring old people who lived in Iraq before the intervention. Holy let-down.

BT Recommendation: Pass.

O.A.R: “Although this may well prove to be the case,we would first point the fickle finger at the press, for just repeating everything we say and not asking questions.”

Why they hate us spoiler!

The raison the person who lives there isn’t so keen to make friends with Coalition forces is that locals are disappointed with the results of being invaded.

BT Recommendation: Make war movies instead of war. In the end, win or lose, the real thing folks at home are gonna away from this war on terror smorgasbord are the movies. And the final sentence of this article is going to say that it really isn’t whether the book was better than the movie, but whether the movie…was better than the real thing.

Am I right?

About Styles Cradgerock

Closely following the rules of Pythagorus - to abstain from beans, not to pick up what was fallen, not to eat the heart, and refusing to look in a mirror after midnite, Cradgerock gets all up in the grills of all the world's leaders and their pets like you knew he would.
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