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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
WikiLeaks Classical Composer Spoilers
By DJ Salinger, STOCKHOLM – Andy Warhol, CEO of WikiLeaks released an hot treasure trove of hot leaks fresh off his new album, Hot Leaks, The Brutal Times has learned. And the hottest among them?
Classical Composer spoilers.
Posted in Exclusive!
Tagged andy warhol, beethoven, berlioz, body blow, brahms, dj salinger, eyes of magog, flotilla, haydn, mozart, ringo, secret santa, the brutal times, the clap, undo, wikileaks classical composer spoilers
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I’ve Gone From NWA to NPR
By Drew Nerts, TOKYO – Being abroad warps a person. It changes you in ways your parents or brothers or sisters could never’ve imagined. Since I came to Japan from my native Cincinnati, I’ve changed so much I don’t even know which top hat I wear really defines me.
I’ve come to own and love a lot of top hats.
But anyway, the big thing I noticed over breaky this morning was how I’ve gone from NWA to NPR.
Iraq War Was “an Hoax” New Bush Book Says
By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Boy, how the times have changed. Back in 2003, I was just another fresh face with chronic stomach pain trying to land an unpaid job at The Brutal Times when it was just a weekly free box of tissues handed out at my local car was and yet another young guy by the name of George W. Bush was just revving up to land a whopping kick on Middle East henchman Saddam Hussein’s kaboose.
Chicken is So Versatile
By Grande Chef Otto, CHICAGO – The great thing about chicken is it’s so versatile. It’s legal, in my mind, to do just about anything to a chicken, and if you’re not particularly religious or a clean freak of some sort, I’d reccommend slipping out while the Google Street View’s not looking and picking up some poulet for some backyard or rooftop cooking.
Posted in Grande Chef Otto
Tagged chicken is so versatile, france, Google street view, Grande Chef Otto, iphone, poulet, rooftop cooking, the brutal times
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Foreigners will be Tested on Chopstick Ability Japan Says
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As Japan cannot fight back against evil China, a new plan for revenge, revenge of any sort, damnit, has taken shape during the hours of 9 – 5 in the back alleys sandwiched between grey government offices and a delicious Chinese dumpling restaurant.
Beginning November 16, foreigners living in, entering or leaving Japan will be tested on their ability to use chopsticks.
Great Oral Tradition of Television Threatened by Internet
By Daemon Mailer, BOSTON – If you’re among the billions that are stricken with fear at losing their favorite shows due to the gargantuan mammoth called the Internet, you’re not alone. Indeed, a new report by prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies has revealed, and is continuing to reveal, that the great oral tradition is threatened by the Internet.
Hillary Clinton Announces 2112 Presidential Run
By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Obama’s current jobbie as leader of the free world).
Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents.
“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a chicken falafel.
Nothing Sounds Better than a Great MP3
By DJ Salinger, TOKYO – Nothing sounds better than a great mp3. Am I right? The Japanese discovered this back in the ’80’s, when they discovered America, but now even the biggest losers are dumping their sad sack vinyl collections in the river and wearing their CDs instead of playing them.
Good for them!
Girl’s Bladder is Timed to Coworker She Despises
By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath number about cocaine your grampa played you when you was about yey high.
Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.