Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times

Sarah Palin Threw My Hockey Puck in the Lake!

September 1, 2008

Alaska – Little is known about Sen. John McCain’s newly announced running mate Sarah Palin. But you can count on The Brutal Times to bring you the stories no one else can. We’ve unconvered what could be a bombshell once Obama’s people get thier hands on it.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality, Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged 2008 US election, hockey mom, john mccain, rabeezio rabeezio, running mate, sarah palin, sarah palin threw my hockey puck in the lake, the brutal times | 4 Comments

Japan Develops Supersonic 1-Ply Toilet Paper

August 25, 2008

By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO- The tiny island nation of Japan has triumphed over nature and China in its announcement Tuesday evening that fastfood and toy giant BB FunCorp has developed the world`s first supersonic 1-ply toliet tissue. Japan, which occupies […]

Posted in Featured Brutality, Japan | Tagged bb funcorp, house and home, Japan, japan develops supersonic 1-ply toilet paper, new inventions, ohashi jozu, olympic games, ray goolens, the brutal times, tokyo | 2 Comments

Identity Theft Ruffles Feathers

August 23, 2008

By Rabeezio Rabeezio, TORONTO – In recent months the Feds have been turning up the heat on Identity Fraudsters, but many people claim it’s too little too late. I’ve always been pretty easy to identify in a crowd, what with […]

Posted in Featured Brutality, Latest Brutality | Tagged canada, feathers, identity theft, identity theft ruffles feathers, lead guitar, rabeezio rabeezio, the brutal times, the white house | 4 Comments

‘Jar Jar Binks Hiding in Iran’ – US State Dept Official

July 27, 2008

By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – As George W. Bush tidies up the last remaining loose ends of his 8 year stint as U.S. president an official at the state department, speaking anonymously, stated yesterday that soon-to-be-released documents will show Al […]

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged barry hussein, episode three, iran, jar jar binks, jar jar binks is hiding in iran, star wars, the brutal times, war on terror | 1 Comment

The Brutal Times Bags Santa, Celebrates Early Christmas

After more than a month of unexplained absence from the Internet machine, global hipster favorite the brutal times.com has scored a big win this week as Santa signed an exclusive 7-year contract to write for the site.

Posted in Japan, Santa | Tagged christmas, power point, santa claus, the brutal times, the serge | 2 Comments

Water and Oil Hot Properties in 2009

July 25, 2008

Business Jesus (Special to the Brutal Times) – With changing weather patterns, unstable leadership in the Middle East, and a global hipster population that would rather play Nintendo than put their noses to the collective grindstone and innovate their way […]

Posted in Business Jesus, Schadenfreude | Tagged business jesus bbfuncorp, finance, hot property, oil, sound investment, the brutal times, water | 2 Comments

Do You Have a Headache in Your Stomach?

April 22, 2008

By Dr McGillicutty, MOUNT SUMERU – Each week I’m greeted by the mule pack mail mountain man who crosses many wonderful and terrible realms to bring me what I would classify as a f**king s**tload of letters from you, my […]

Posted in Sick Bay | Tagged dr mcgillicutty, headache, Sick Bay, stomachache, sublte realm, the brutal times | 3 Comments

Japanese Man Critiques Bukowski

April 19, 2008

By Yves Dropper, Tokyo, SHIBUYA – Fri. Apr. 18/Tower Records 9th Floor English Books Section 8:42pm – The Brutal Times is standing reading a Charles Bukowski novel. A fucker comes up. “You…liiike it?!?” Big eyes. Big face. Free English. “I […]

Posted in Conversational Gold | Tagged charles bukowski, Conversational Gold, Japan, teaching english, the brutal times, tokyo, tower records, yves dropper | 5 Comments

Hillary Woos Goth Vote

April 7, 2008

By Styles Cradgerock PENNSYLVANIA – Second place finish candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton is far from “rolling over and playing dead,” her campaign spokesperson Haylie Grahame declared in confidence late yesterday evening. Ms Clinton has […]

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged barack obama, goth music, hillary clinton, hillary woos goth vote, Presidential Daily Brief, styles cradgerock, the brutal times, us election | 4 Comments

Ancient Mayan Food Pyramid Unearthed

By Grande Chef Otto MEXICO (Tijuana) – Brutal April showers the last few weeks have kept Stateside tourists from making their annual after spring break pilgrimages to this holy city adding to the woes of local street musicians and artisans who survive by selling their creations to visiting US thrillseekers.

But early reports this morning suggest that Tijuana’s stormclouds may yet possess a silver lining.

Posted in Featured Brutality, Grande Chef Otto | Tagged ancient mayan food pyramid unearthed, dec 21 2012, Grande Chef Otto, is 2012 the end of the world?, mayan calendar, mayan doomsday, mayans, mexico, my goodies, nutrition, philosophy, pyramids, silver lining, the brutal times, tijuana, will the world end in 2012? | 6 Comments