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Warm Topic Archives: the brutal times
A Penetrating Look Inside McCain
By Barry Hussein, TEXAS – Maverick Arizona senator and recent candidate for US president John McCain is hard at work applying the finishing touches to his tell-all campaign trail memoir, “Inside McCain”, due out this Christmas.
After McCain fell asleep last night at his standing desk (that’s right – he sleeps upright) I sneaked round him and by tongs pulled the moist manuscript from a secret location on his person where it had been secretly secreted.
Iran’s Warheads Win Prestigious Design Award
By Styles Cradgerock, IKEA – This thriving, bustling hustling country of 35 million yey-high design mavens and vixens is known been known worldwide as a hotbed of design ever since its yeh-high founder Kronkite Basta, 34 assembled it out of a box and drew oohs and ahs from those standing about.
With IKEA’s 17th annual Basta design awards lurking ahead next Sunday morning at dawn, a disgruntled unpaid intern has leaked news of this year’s winner for Best Nuclear Warhead Design, 2009.
Guns N’ Roses Tour Began 2 Years Ago – Minus Axl
By DJ Salinger, TAMPA – Troubling signs that the band formerly known as Guns N’ Roses (the group officially changed their name to N’ earlier this year) mistakenly began the worldwide tour for their semen release album “Chinese Democracy” minus lead singer Axl Rose continue to pop up online.
Posted in Thinking Man's Rock
Tagged axl rose, chinese democracy, chinese democracy tour, dj salinger, guns and roses, guns n roses, N', slash, the brutal times, yoyogi koen
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New TOEIC Test to Include Pillow Talk
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As you know many foreign man has come to Japan the purpose of which is to sex Japanese woman. At English conversational school and so on such seduction has become aplenty. Inside cube area such foreigners “teach” English to potential Japanese mate. One of such tests of conversational English is the many-feared TOEIC (Teach English I Can’t Take) test of English.
The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.
Posted in Japan
Tagged bb fun corp, english prison, Japan, japanese daily life, new toic test, obama, ohashi jozu, pillow talk, ray goolens, starbucks, teach english in japan, the brutal times, toic test, tokyo
3 Comments
Most Parties Bad, Study Shows
By The Serge, LOS ANGELES – Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies released what amounts to a 35-year landmark study on parties, “Parties: a Study”, today at Denny’s.
The result?
Most parties are bad.
Number of Female Death Metal Fans Drops
By DJ Salinger, BAFFIN ISLAND – With windchill temperatures here at already -89C and folks on this sparsely-decorated backward island nation clutching their nether regions with a rabid ferocity just to keep alive, the basic human desire for good news is at an all-time high.
They’re gonna have to wait.
Man ‘Looks Forward’ to Pay Day
By Business Jesus, BOSTON – President Barack Obama has loosed the hounds of hell on the global economic crisis and so far it’s looking up up up for all the world’s workers and friends of their friends.
The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.
Want more?
Posted in Special Report
Tagged barack obama, bars, Business Jesus, dating, global economic crisis, money, pay day, ruffled feathers, the brutal times
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Irony Apparel a Smash Hit in Williamsburg
By Smia Oots, Brooklyn, WILLIAMSBURG – Four-eyed sneering running-shoe-wearing tattoo-show-offing white-skin-cladding Williamsburg hipsters have bitten onto to something and they just can’t let go!
Irony apparel is a smash hit in Williamsburg.
Less is More in Beatles Box
By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – Finally, after sweating through the long wait of three months since the last Beatles album was released we can get our rocks off with the just-released 150 album box set which contains all of the lads’ 18,0981 songs (minus the baggage of all those John Lennon and George Harrison tracks which dogged down much of the earlier compilation best boxes).
“Yeah, we finally figured out what was missing with the earlier 569808 best of Beatles releases,” said long-time Beatles producer and confidante George Martin, from his villa in sunny Las Vegas, Sunday, “those fucking Harrison and Lennon songs,”
I Can’t Wait for Winter!
By Dessy Osmonde, Special to The Brutal Times, INDIANA – I can’t wait for winter! Why? Well I can’t wait to freeze my fucking ass off next to the fire. Even with a good solid pair of winter boots pulled right up to my next nothing stops the cold, right? Viva la Mother Nature! Yes, you can spend spend spend but nothing stops that cold from seeping in and gripping your balls and bones in an icy freezing cold handshake! Yeah, winter’s comin’ and the only way to warm up for it is to open the icebox and sleep with your feet stuck inside it night after night after night.
Posted in Ordinary People
Tagged black sabbath, christ, christmas, indiana, jonas brothers, obama, Ordinary People, slacking off, soup, the brutal times, winter
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