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Latest Brutality

Think about it. Stuff that happened or people say happened that, uh, happened or was made up, er, lately?

Weary Travellers Take Comfort in Moscow’s Allure

By Sarah Kitt, Special to The Brutal Times, MOSCOW – What was I thinking? Oh my fucking godddd! This country, this city if you can call it that, and I would not, is a complete and utter wasteland.
Traveling to Russia had been my dream ever since I read Beyond Good & Evil by Karl Marx in college. The trick ending blew my mind! I was instantly hooked on all things Russian after I finished page 6,897 and put the book into my apartment incinerator.

Erectile Disfunction Wanes as After Dinner Conversation Topic

By Grande Chef Otto, MARTHA’S VINEYARD – A poll in the popularity of after dinner conversation topics around the world was released today by prestigious Carribbean think tank MyGoodies. The poll which covers the years 2007-2008 contains a number of shockers.

Few Want to Touch Obama’s Bulging Stimulus Package

By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Despite his good looks and boyish smile, despite his taste in music (Springsteen) and way with words (“Yes we can”) it appears that fewer and fewer Americans want to touch his bulging stimulus package.

Senator…Madonna? New Yorkers Want Material Girl to Run

As CNN persists in its coverage of that boring Gaza invasion by Israel, center of the Earth, New York City is all hopped up and ready over what everyone here all ready knows is really 2009’s top story: the effort to draft Madonna as New York’s new senator.

Poll: Cool People ‘Don’t Feel Cool Enough’

Forget the global financial crisis. A new shocking wave of global concern is shock-rocking shoppers and commuters and threatening to add more lumps to everybody’s gravy, even those who chose not to order it. The cause for concern? Prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies announced yesterday at Denny’s that according to in-depth research most cool people “don’t feel cool enough”.

Japan Buys Popular US Holidays as Dollar Dips

By Ohashi Jozu, with Business Jesus, TOKYO – The world’s second largest economy may well be entering an exciting recession, as mentioned by CNN and other news junkies, but perhaps due to the simultaneous rise in the value of the yen the message on the floor of the Nikkei stock exchange is still buy buy buy!

Oprah’s Boobs ‘Too Hot to Handle’

By El Toro, OHIO – As memory of the three most boring presidential debates in history (excepting 1976’s Jimmy Carter vs himself) fade and pool in globs of earthy muck, word has surfaced through leaked campaign memos that both candidates […]

Palin Babygate Entangles Edwards

(By Barry Hussein) ST PAUL, MINNESOTA – With only days and minutes remaining in the super-charged 2008 presidential race newly-cemented Republican vice-presidential pick Governor Sarah Palin is turning heads and pricking up ears with her peppy plunk and can-do attitude.

Identity Theft Ruffles Feathers

By Rabeezio Rabeezio, TORONTO – In recent months the Feds have been turning up the heat on Identity Fraudsters, but many people claim it’s too little too late. I’ve always been pretty easy to identify in a crowd, what with […]

One Man’s Opinion: Opera Sucks

By Marshall Stack (TORONTO)- Musicologist Matt Von Vertmoor is a man driven. Each morning at exactly five a.m. he leaves his tiny downtown apartment and travels by subway to the Canadian Opera Company’s Performance Venue on Queen St. West. After […]