Delicious Topping

Latest Brutality

Think about it. Stuff that happened or people say happened that, uh, happened or was made up, er, lately?

One Billion Killer Baby Names!

By Business Jesus, PARIS – Well, it’s that season again, and everybody’s flummoxed as to what to name their kid? No worries, mate! BT and the folks at home have double-teamed on a new eBook that you can download straight […]

MySpace Backing Gaddafi in Social Network War

By Daemon Mailer, Libya, TRIPOLI – Chief executives from classic rock social networking site MySpace met with Libya’s head honcho, Moammar Ghadafi at Denny’s this morning to hash out plans for a “full frontal” assault on rebel bases held by FaceBook and Twitter, the Brutal Times has learned.

Shocker: Most U.S. Kids Don’t Know What ‘Don’t Taze me, Bro’ is

By Daemon Mailer, NEBRASKA – While most news organizations topple over themselves trying to report the same nonnews about North Korea attacking the South this evening, a far more exciting and razzle-dazzle thing has done happened, right underneath their noses, The Brutal Times has learned.

According to a landmark overnite study conducted by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies, most U.S. kids don’t know what “Don’t taze me, bro” is.

Iraq War Was “an Hoax” New Bush Book Says

Iraq war was 'An Hoax'

By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Boy, how the times have changed. Back in 2003, I was just another fresh face with chronic stomach pain trying to land an unpaid job at The Brutal Times when it was just a weekly free box of tissues handed out at my local car was and yet another young guy by the name of George W. Bush was just revving up to land a whopping kick on Middle East henchman Saddam Hussein’s kaboose.

Hold the Lettuce: Afghan War Spoilers!

By Styles Cradgerock, YOUR MOMMA – Yes, thundercat! Weekend war watchers all over the world (Florida?) are pee-oh’d this morning to find that WikiLeaks has leaked a whole slewload of spoilers aspoiling how the bumpin’ Afghan intervention is gonna end

My Sister’s Too Pushy

Special to the Brutal Times, By Pam Haley – My sister’s too pushy. Boy, when she wants something, she’s the first one to tell ya. Like the other day, she calls me up on my mobular telephone and without even asking me how my day’s going or asking me about my probs, she’s asking if I can come over and feed her kid and talk to her husband about his impotence again.

Nobel Peace Prize Spoiler: And the Winner is…Roland Emmerich!

By Santa, THE HAGUE – Rudolf told me the other day who’s gonna get the Nobel Peace Prize this year in 2010. Both Donner and Blitzen had pestered Rudolf about this for weeks but he refused them and came to me, Santa, properly maintaining protocol.

Oh,you already know who the winner’s gonna be because the editor of the Brutal Times spoiled it by putting it in the headline?

I Need my Coffee

By Deborah Haines, Special to The Brutal Times, BALTIMORE – I need my coffee. It’s so hard to focus on all the data that I have to punch into PC at the office (I’m a data entry professional). The first thing I do when I get into the office at 8:13am every morning is uncork my jumbo Starbucks tumbler (I call him Iron Man) and pour myself out a healthy dollop of swirling burbly black teeth rot.

Seafaring: An Exploration of All Things Nautical

By Bertie Rusenstrom, (Special to The Brutal Times), TORONTO – As a young girl growing up in central Saskatchewan, the ocean has always held a fascination for me. Indeed, I felt my heart strings stretched to breaking each time I managed to catch a brief image of a curling surf in the wall of televisions in my father’s occult bookstore.

Obama: “Our Balls Are To The Wall”

By The Serge, WASHINGTON – An estimated two million people braved freezing temps to hear 44th president of the United States Barack Obama be sworn into office in this snow-covered city yesterday. And most of ’em stuck around for a little while after to hear him deliver his first speech as America’s new commander-in-chief.

“These are trying times,” Obama began as onlookers shouted and hollered in agreement. “Our balls are to the wall,” he went on.