By Grande Chef Otto, MARTHA’S VINEYARD – A poll in the popularity of after dinner conversation topics around the world was released today by prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies. The poll which covers the years 2007-2008 contains a number of shockers.
Among them: Whilst in 2005-2006 the number 2 topic of after dinner conversation between unmarried white men dining with married white women in their mid-twenties was erectile disfunction, according to MyGoodies, erectile disfunction has slipped to number 903 this year.
To illustrate the gravity of the slide of interest in erectile disfunction, number 902 for 2008 was coloring books and number 904 was American country music.
Why the changeroo?
“Everyone who could be helped was helped – in 2005, 2006 the number of folks who submitted to various lengthy and often intensely painful therapies involving pills, meditation and frothy creams would just totally blow your mind,” commented Dr Ray Goolens, who treated millions of Americans in carparks and 24-hour donut shoppes.
Still, time needs filling, desperately, especially after dinner when folks are bloated and conversation becomes dangerously awkward. So if erectile disfunction won’t fill the void, what will?
“Well clearly this is something everybody is worrying about now, ” offers Bilbo Baggins, 46, who works with people who worry, part-time. “After a meal of clams, brown rice and an orange with some of my co-workers last week I started talking about my ex-wife and this was met with cold blank stares,” he added, staring.
Jimmy Jam-san, 32, a popular Tokyo dj commented on the popular human rights blog rightwingthinktank.com that he feels “no connection with others” after dinner. Without his career dancing and prancing behind his two wheels of steel he says he’d “take all the negative after dinner energy into my body and become a pretentious performance artist like Bjork.”
Erectile disfunction achieved popularity as a disease and then as after dinner conversation in the 1990’s when US president Bill Clinton spoke candidly about his own struggles with dependency on the disease. As Clinton spoke through the tv millions of Americans were hypnotized and came to believe they too had the disease.
“Clinton Broke my Dick” became a popular bumper sticker in the US at this time. After dinner conversations surrounding erectile disfunctions boomed and over eight million babies were born through aggressive programmes mounted to combat ED by Irish rock star Bono and his posse.
“Thanks, Bono for Giving Me My Dick Back” was another popular bumper sticker around this time. If you still have one in good condition it is now worth $578 US dollars (4 Japanese yen).
Or is it?