By DJ Salinger DEMOCRATIC PEOPLES’ REPUBLIC OF IKEA – Despite all the bad-mouthing, and the crushing of neighbors’ fingers in doorjambs at 2am, and the laughing and pointing, despite the cynicism and the ism, a new hope hath arriveded, just in time for Halloween.
“Life metal is about conforming, pure and simple,” ejaculated Bars Malpsteen, 28, a barista in sunny Ikea, where britches are hiked up but no one peeks at your pants, should they (the pants) be showing. “Life metal is about doing what you’re told,” he went on.
Life metal originated in Ikea in something like the 1990’s. Bands like Life, and Life Metal, known for their chastising lyrics and smacks across the faces of the naughty, heaped scorn on class clowns, and no-men (and possibly no-women, although quite honestly it’s dubious).
Joey Baloney (pronounced ‘Joe E’) sang songs for Mother Knows Best for something like twenty years. “A lot of our listeners went on to become politicians, partners in prestigious law firms, and Barack Obama,” he said with a straight face.
Obama has maybe mentioned Life metal in lots of speeches. But these speeches were given in other languages so who knows?
But the main thrust is that this lovely music is turning heads and really giving people the what for at a time when they’re like, crying out for help and so on.
“Life metal, and bands ah like MKB (Mother Knows Best) and FDNI (Fathers’ Day No Irony) really shook my tree and made my peaches stand up on end, explained Dale Jimmy, 59, a barista here on vacation from Toronto. “I’m not on vacation,” he went on, “I’m lost,” he ejaculated.
And how about pets? And why place the emphasis on seniors, when folks like Mr Jimmy and Mr Baloney seem so young and spry on screen?
“Seniors are the silent fans of this music, and other musics,” informed Sondra Glock,12, managing director of Jazz it Up! Records, which pumps out 2 million digital downloads made by life metalers a week. ” Seniors can’t ah express themselves. A lot of them, many of ’em, have forgotten whom they are, and in so doing forget to chat up life metal,” Ms Glock went on.
And, ah, pets?
“Pets come with seniors,” added Mr Baloney (from earlier in this article, see above for more). “So it’s not only polite to assume pets emulate and concur with the feelings and tastes of their senior owners, but it saves getting a bite in the face from one if you bugger things up and leave their opinion on the floor of the Internet,” he went on.
Or did he?