By Grande Chef Otto, BANGKOK – A recent MyGoodies poll is showing that among high-paid male professionals in the U.S. and the U.K. who suffer from “lapus diversus atopiscus” (commonly known as impotence), a whooping 99.1% are jetting to Bangkok in order to snatch up the city’s dwindling supply of Ziagra, a popular male enhancement drug.
“Yes, it is true,” said MyGoodies apprentice pollster Netal Soong. “A majority of these men who are having trouble with their ding-dong have gone there (Bangkok) to have it (Ziagra).”
“I sprinkled some on my dick and it was like ‘Rrrrrrrr!!!’ enthused Gary Knock, 44, an investment banker from London. “I feel like a door that had been closed to me before has somehow opened,” he added mysteriously.
Lyle Mosthope, 39, of Sheffield also endorsed Ziagra as a “lifesaver”. After enduring months of brutal lambasting from his fiance Terese, who failed to sympathize with Mosthope’s lapus diversus atopiscus, the distraught intellectual property barrister sent an intern to Bangkok for “a suitcase of Ziagra.”
The very night the intern arrived back in Sheffield Mosthope arranged a sexual triste with his ladyfriend. After knocking back a bevy of highly-potent alcoholic beverages at Sheffield’s poshest eatery Ssh…Kebab, the lovebirds made their way towards a waiting limosine.
“Usually, at this point in a date I’d be paralyzed with panic,” confessed Mosthope. “But this this was different- because I knew I had Ziagra.”
On the way back to the room Mosthope had reserved at a nearby love hotel, Mosthope however, was struck with a sudden wave of dread.
“I suddenly remembered that the way Ziagra works is you have to take it four hours before you have sex,” he recalls. “So I yelled to the driver ‘Hey! Pull over- I’ve gotta take a leak!”
“Luckily, there was a rest stop nearby, so I pile out and duck into the bathroom. I’m thinking, ‘Shit, it’s lucky I remembered or this night would’ve been a disaster!”
At this point, as his date waits patiently in the car, chattering to the driver about the Royals, Mosthope made a tragic blunder.
“I was so nervous that when I popped the pills you have to take out of the gel-pack, they shot left instead of right and completely missed my mouth. I’m staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, going ‘What the fuck am I gonna do?,’ when the bitch starts honking the horn outside.”
“I look down to see where the pills have gone and they’re all there but nine have landed in my urinal and nine have landed in the urinal beside mine. I can seee they’re starting to dissolve; I have to make a split-second executive decision. For a brief moment a thought flashes across my mind – ‘What would Sarah Palin do?’ ‘Probably, shoot a wild animal,’ is what comes back. So I reached down and scooped up the pills from the urinal adjacent to me and knocked ‘em down.”
Clearly Mosthope found himself in a predicament few fellows ever wish to face, but rose to the challenge in such a way as to inspire us all. As night spread itself all over England the excited couple snuggled together for warmth. Soon, clothes were removed and the joyous sounds of lovemaking ricocheted off the walls of the roadside hotel Razzle Dazzle.
“The Ziagra kicked in like a dream,” Mosthope says. “It was hard- she didn’t have to play chess with it ;steam was coming off it!” But despite all best efforts to pleasure his ladyfriend Mosthope relates that “When I got inside her, I found she had a giant pussy.”
Seven and half hours later, with dawn fast approaching and both lovemakers due to return to the city for vital business meetings, Mosthope resigned himself to the inevitable:
“I faked an orgasm,” he says. “But I still don’t blame the Ziagra- that stuff is the bomb.”