Top Record Stores Offer ‘Five Finger Discount’ Fridays

By DJ Salinger, TOKYO – In a preemptive shot across the bow of music piracy kingpins and iPod inventors Bill and Melinda Gates, top record stores HMV and Tower Records announced they plan to appeal to the dark side of downloaders by opening several of their flagship stores to “five finger discount Fridays”.

Rick Romney, general manager of Shibuya’s Tower Records cut a ribbon officially kicking off the stealing spree days, after shaking the hand of long-time record rival Sam Kim, who acts as GM for Shibuya’s HMV Records, located just blocks away from Romney’s mammoth music mecca.

“We`ve noticed that many young people are beginning to download many of the CDs we have in stock and we want to nip that in the bud before it gets out of hand,” Romney, 42, ejaculated.

HMV’s Kim agreed.

“A kid came up to me the other day when I was walking the floor and asked me if I knew where he could find the new Nickelback CD. Then, after I showed him, he turns around and asks me do I know any good websites where he can download it from. I was shock-rocked,” Kim said.

Psychologist Ray Goolens believes “kids are inherently evil,” and so, according to Goolens, “the only way you’re going to get them back into the stores buying CDs is to become more evil than they are.”

Nodding in agreement with Goolens, Romney and Kim outlined their joint venture to take the air out of the current downloading balloon:

“Orignally we thought we’d just allow shoppers a 50-60 minute window, each Friday, where we’d turn off the security cameras and they could prowl the racks and pocket as many recordings as they could in that time frame,” said Kim.

“But then, after going online at the library, we realized we were going to have to go the extra mile if we wanted to get clunkers like The Who’s Greatest Hits Part 4, and Tupac’s latest four CDs off the shelves,” added Romney.

The plan?

“We’re hoping to have the kids steal the music directly from the big-name artists they love,” says Kim. “On the opening Friday, March 16, we have Jimmy Page of Led Zepplin coming in, and the kids are going to personally jump him and go through his pockets.”

“It is wonderful,” (what Romney and Kim are planning) said Dr Goolens, who spoke with both his hands in his pants pockets. “They have put aside their own differences, and not for some ludicrous do-goody charity event, but for something that really appeals to the children; this time, thankfully, society’s going to get a good dose of reality, and that puts a smile on my face at least.”

Five Finger Fridays begin Friday March 16.

About DJ Salinger

Better than nothing, DJ Salinger shakes it where the sun don't shine. BT' s resident recluse on the loose, Salinger is the trouble with this generation, begging the question, What is the sound of one fist bumping?
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2 Responses to Top Record Stores Offer ‘Five Finger Discount’ Fridays

  1. troy james macfarlaine says:

    this article is about fifteen years too late. i suppose you’re just learning to program your VCR now too?

  2. minako says:

    what’s five fingers?

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